Steel and Bones

2012-01-07T09:10:00.000+08:00

Summer Break is Waiting to Happen :)

2011-11-07T13:59:00.000+08:00

Get bicycles and cycle with Marsie everyday
Make DIY games, boards and cards
Paint pictures with Cik Piah
Read all Travelog Haji books
Read all big bag wolf books
Have adventures
Get more photography jobs
Learn more songs on the p
Write autobiographical anecdotes and start some kids' stories and plays

Sabah

2011-09-27T16:49:00.001+08:00

I was going to post more - then my harddrive and macbook were stolen. Enjoy these gems, though few.

To Remember

2011-09-05T17:30:00.001+08:00

Black sleeves billowing, the female figure crosses the rooftop slowly, savouring the cold cold air that the brewing dark clouds were bringing to the small city where she lived.

Something made her look up, and emerging from below, crossing the rooftop boundary and into her line of vision was a simple, ordinary black plastic bag floating slowly in lazy circles up into the atmosphere.

Entranced, transfixed, and amused, she continued to stare as the black bag whooshed in daring surf motions not unlike the swinging pirate rides at amusement parks. Looking a little strange, a little lonely, all in black, standing on the rooftop and tilting her head to face the storm. Soaring over the highest level of roof, and not losing height at all, the wind began to violently thrash the little bag in swirling vortexes against the turbulent grey sky.

And slowly, it began to float higher and higher, like a bubble that wouldn't burst, becoming smaller and smaller, insignificant, diminishing into a speck of a dot.

All the while she was waiting for it to fall, so she could catch it maybe. Or maybe she was just curious to know if gravity would win again today. And what she saw made her a funny kind of happy, joyous in a tiny way that the plastic bag didn't follow her expectations, that it would now see the city in an aerial view, bid it farewell, and perhaps say hello to a new city.

She thought about why she stopped, while others passed by her without giving her a second glance or look at what had caught her attention so. And the words echoed somewhere behind her heart, faint but familiar.

But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

"Salam alaykum"

Snapped out her reverie, she smiled tentatively at the stranger, "Waalaykum salam, yes?"

"May I know where the surau is?"

"Oh yes, sure, just take the stairs over there and turn left one floor down"

"Thank you!"

And she turned on her heel after the man had walked down, because that was where she was heading before the moment made her stop to remember.

Slightly Addicted

2011-07-10T10:23:00.000+08:00

Hello It's Been Awhile.

2011-07-06T20:38:00.000+08:00

The Sun and the Rain

2011-05-20T02:14:00.003+08:00

An old record.

2011-05-20T01:23:00.004+08:00

getting pumped in excitement for their new album! here are old songs for your jaded ears :)

Moneyless in Mid May

2011-05-20T01:20:00.001+08:00

Last weekend I was changing out of my sopping wet muddy pants and into something clean when I looked at my left index finger and noticed something brown hanging stuck to it. It was sucking.

My first leech! :D no blood though. Hehe! First times are amazing.

Kedondong waterfall was the bomb, literally. The project manager lied to us saying it was a 20 minute trek, which for him alone probably would be enough, but we were lost in the jungle for about 40 mins - half of us left behind with the PM gone to who knows where up front- with sudden intermittent rain and a heavy tupperware of beehoon goreng, trying to get down ravines and steep cliffs ADOI. Prior to that we all had the delusion that we'd be going upstream alongside the river on a leisurely climb = happy vision rejected cruelly.
I was grinning the whole time though. Pluck me out of engineering and make me trek in a creepy forest with thorny vines and giant fallen bamboo sticks all over, falling on my ass to climb down muddy steep banks, makes me one happy chick.

The waterfall was amazing. I took underwater film pictures. The cheapo camera was a fluke though, I've no idea if the photos will turn out. I'm too broke to get them developed now, so the suspense is pretty much getting to me.

My thursday started oddly today - bad omens and grumpy grunts, but it ended nicely with golden hour and hugs from my best people and pictures of gorgeous friends, and a senior sending me home in her car and following us into the house regaling stories of her travel :) Alhamdulillah.

Because you should all watch this

2011-05-05T17:17:00.001+08:00

Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

Happy

2011-05-05T15:34:00.000+08:00

is when you get to send a silly recorded message of yourself singing a short song titled "Lalat La La" to someone so familiar with yourself that there needs to be no shame, after 3 weeks of not talking to them, after nearly 10 months of not seeing them.

An Awkwardion

2011-04-30T13:42:00.001+08:00

Those moments where you feel like standing with your legs half-crossed and your hands dangling by your sides and there's this sad tune inside your head that goes off like a broken accordion (sort of haunted and devastated.. but still funny. Am I the only ones who think the sound an accordion makes is funny in a happy way?)

Why do I stumble upon my words sometimes and feel like I've lost control of the conversation? Perhaps I'm being much too forceful in the first place, when I can't find the appropriate words to express myself I just trail off or worse, stutter.

I am an awkwardion.

Short on money but long on time

2011-04-30T13:34:00.002+08:00

I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to the very idea of traveling, sweaty underarms from being squashed with other people on the bus, brain exploding from gasping for breath while dashing to get the next train, the glimpse of a new town, a new city, a new country once you stumble out of the airport.

I'm starting to do it in small little steps and the experience's been tiring but strangely appealing.

Where do I go to next?

And please, dear God, let me have the people I really really want beside me to travel with soon.

Y u no buy me macbook yet?

2011-04-30T11:45:00.001+08:00

Hard to be patient when you asked for a new laptop last year in August but still haven't gotten one, even though it was promised.

But I'm sure there are far more important things to wait for. Like Palestine's freedom.

I am lucky but impatient, which is why it's hard to remember the first fact.. this needs to change.

The Day Alphie Was Born

2011-04-29T13:20:00.004+08:00

"Hi there, congratulations! We'd like you to know that we spent 4 hours today narrowing down our choices, between all those spectacular shortlisted photos, to finally choose yours as the winning shot. Before that it was selecting from 2000 plus entries to select the final shots, but in the end we kept coming back to yours."

The above was what the sony judge said to me, while I was cradling my new paper bag containing a rather weighty box with baby Alphie in it and while still reeling from the spotlights and flashing lights in my face. It was probably one of the most meaningful acknowledgements I've received in the 19 years of my life. The night I couldn't stop saying Alhamdulillah, the night I got on a stage for the first time in 3 years, the night I was given a gift which had something I'd been wanting for a long while (video abilities hehe). With me were my best friend Raimi and gal pal Farah, and my also shortlisted senior slash ex-president of my favourite club Mwac, Midin and his friend Iman. They all were about half-shocked as I was when I won, but strangely more confident and exhilarated about it all, it seems, looking at me with meaningful gazes and happy expressions just seconds before!

I'll leave you with the diary entry I wrote underneath a flickr photo I posted on the following day:

on this gloomy day I won my first photography competition :)

completely thrilled to be shortlisted in the top 10 by Sony judges I was just happy for a reason to get my newly borrowed lomo colorsplash out to KL and go film picture taking with my best bud Farah with her golden half, like we indiegirls do (ahaha). My parents picked us up and we walked around the klcc park and had a good time with my sisters.

Trivia: sadly, even after going to college and uni near KL for a few years we've never even come close to hanging out at the capital of Malaysia... and I've lived near here for all 19 years of my life and when my foreign mates ask me "hey so where's cool in kl to hang out" and I go "I dunno.. I don't really frequent KL"... what is my life xD I've been so sheltered, like a frog underneath a coconut shell (that's a very famous malay proverb, look it up)

Thanks sony for giving me the reason to leave behind my engineering thoughts for a day and go click happy around gorgeous architecture!

I've sent my slide roll for processing and can't wait to see the results :D

so after all this, my family went off, leaving me and Farah to have dinner and wait for our other friends to come, one who was also shortlisted (thanks to you Midin.. or I wouldn't even have submitted by deadline). We prayed maghrib and then went to the convention hall at 7.30pm for the prize-giving.

I was, of course, completely gobsmacked when the they did the countdown and my picture wasn't appearing at no 10, 9,8,7... and 1st came on screen and badaboom wow there was that picture I took on that happy happy day in April on a huge screen, I couldn't stop muttering alhamdulillah :)

Here are some of the lomo shots I took on the day!

And some from my friend Farah's golden half camera

real fun stuff, next time we go out you should come with us, yes you, the one on your bum, face stuck to the computer :p

yours,
MK

My Growing Camera Family

2011-04-28T15:04:00.002+08:00

It's fun having 8 cameras and all, but it's crazy lugging them around all the time! I might consider selling one because I have such a hard time picking which ones to being around, I've developed faux muscles (more like achy shoulders and purple bruises) from bringing around near 2kg of the lot (3 or 4 them mirrored machines) to outings!

Today my best friend brought his nifty new Sony Nex-5 to campus and attached to it was this pretty little tiny cheap lens from china that delivers beautiful dreamy shallow depth of fields with swirly bokeh and I am envious. It is so light and portable that I almost understood why he sold off all his dslr gear and went for it, but alas I am not so unsentimental as a man and thus here I am, moaning and sounding ungrateful about the rather expensive camera collection that I own =///

Introducing la familia:

Alphie the sony alpha 55 dslr (a month old, a prize I won for a competition)

Elvis the canon 400d dslr (3 years old, best dslr ever, my best friend)

Minion the canon eos500 film slr (gorgeous skinny bitch)

The Unnamed Nikon film slr (uncle lent it to me a while ago bless him, haven't tried it yet)

Mummy's old Canon T50 film slr (recently found it perched on the shelf in the telly room, looking all bulky)

White Lomo Colorsplash (a dear friend's :] tricky to use, all confusing flashes and shaky exposures but it's not meant to be a serious camera, I'm just a perfectionist and was slightly appalled at the blurry shakes and dominant noise)

Tangerine the Underwater Lomo (recently bought for 29 bucks! a complete steal! haven't gotten the chance to try it yet)

yashica mat 124g film medium format (ancient sexy beast of a classic camera recently gifted to me by the most generous family friends <3)

I'll post family and individual portraits of them in a bit :) check in a day or two!

March Madness! (the non-toxic, endorphin kind)

2011-03-15T12:46:00.000+08:00

Would you know, endorphin-releasing-processes actually make me imagine that there are happy dolphin-shaped hormones swimming though our bloodstream, making their adorable cackling laughter sounds!

I have so much to write about it's ridiculous. New semester so far has been a blessing, great group mates, comprehensible lectures (except one, the curse of the bumbling monash math lecturer lives on...), good tutors, familiar faces and greater self-confidence! Of course the sem didn't start without some MAJOR glitches.. like literally being homeless the week before Monash reopened, confusion about changing engineering majors, nervousness about getting back into the academic fray.

Because there's a proportional relationship to the homework piling up on my side with each alphabet key I strike, I'll delay elaborating further, but worry not, all those episodes are etched in the stone of my memory and some in the note app on my phone. I also intend to regale to you the tale of the greatest thing that happened to me in 2011 thus far.. but for the moment, writing about my ching-a-ling durian runtuh winnings will have to be pushed to the weekend!

For now I leave you with some pretty little product pictures of my moo cards! They're these handy little business cards with my picture and details on each side, and they've been a big hit with friends and acquaintances.
For fellow moo enthusiasts, wanna trade moos? :D
To those who would like one, let me know :)
Although when I give you one I expect to get a call sooner or later asking for my photographic services lol :P

moo card pictures by Raimi Radzi.

The gripping butterflies

2011-03-13T10:59:00.000+08:00

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I'd like to win, please? :)

See you at the klcc convention centre this evening loves! It's going to be one of those days filled with film and laughter and lots of walking and flashing lights and beautiful memories.

Oh and my photograph on a giant screen hopefully. Amiiiin.

<3,
MK

On His Birthday (s.a.w)

2011-02-16T11:16:00.002+08:00

Okay Elle, smile. Smile.

I had half a day of wonderful Maulidur Rasul yesterday where I went to a morning talk at the local surau given by Ustazah Asni Mansor, who was delightful with accents as she is insightful with pointing out the magnitude of the problems with chatterbox-like women. She read ayats of the quran mellifluously at certain times and poked our insides with laughter on others. I will insyaAllah post another entry above this one about the contents of her talk.

The rest of the day wasn't so clear cut, because my wish to ziarah my baby cousin and my grandmother was not fulfilled, because of several redundant, repetitive reasons of the family. And because I received an ambiguous answer from a certain institution of which I expected a firm answer by now. It threw me into a vortex of swirling insecurity and annoyance. I am tested with my patience daily, usually with alternate increasing and decreasing jabs. Yesterday was one of the high peaks.

Thankfully, by the end of the day I was back to a stable terrain, and managed to both celebrate and lament the rasulullah, celebrate the joy his birth brought to us as his ummah, and lament the fact that he is gone for more than a thousand years now, when we still wish we could go before him and ask questions and be comforted.

I miss you, ya Muhammad s.a.w. But I know by going through your sunnahs and asking from Allah Himself I will find a comforting answer for myself soon enough. Even though times are slightly different now, and beguiling forms of jihad are asked of your ummah now (such as I, a student lost in transition between important streams of knowledge), however confusing my adversities seem, I am thankful that your love transcends all of that and touches my heart and saves me from thinking that I am alone, reminding me that you want the best for me, and that Allah is Merciful and will reward me for fighting for my happiness and faith. I want to remember you until the day I die, and I hope to meet you when all of this is over.

Love,
one of your ummati.

Want so badly. Need money :(

2011-02-06T14:22:00.003+08:00

One more time with feeling :)

2011-02-06T01:46:00.001+08:00

I just wanted to see these two side by side. The place is beautiful.

Dedebu Bintang blarghaha why is it so inexplicably enjoyable to malay-fy english titles?

2011-02-06T00:52:00.000+08:00

I need to buy all Neil Gaiman's books already... what the hell have I been doing with a Gaiman-less bookshelf in my bedroom all these years?

Borrowing them from friends or the monash library, I realise now how I need his books at hand's reach everyday.

Sometimes I forget that I appreciate the kind of fiction that plays on fairy tales but puts chills down your spine - too specific to be merely mentioned as a 'fantasy book'.

I've just finished reading Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol a day ago and thoroughly appreciated having one of those books that make me read like a starved vulture, on my bed flipping page after page without realising the clock was ticking and that my lips and throat were dry as paper from not drinking any water for 3 hours straight. The Lost Symbol is excellent brain food. The book pushes me to evaluate my knowledge, and makes me ponder about religion, which is all very good. I love things that make me question what is widely accepted. Because after that I can do my own research and make conclusions for myself, only strengthening my skills and insyaAllah furthering my understanding of our society and how we perceive things versus to what they actually are.

Satisfied though I was with the book, my point is that I can never quite craft a book like that by myself, unless I take symbology and delve into lots of conspiracy theory forums which would take 5 years of research (probably).

But take a Neil Gaiman book, well, although I am far from writing such delicious master word pieces, there is a ring of familiarity in the emotions that his stories conjure, and the twists in them delight the child in me. Everything he writes feels new but nostalgic, and I live viscerally through the characters, laughing and being curious as if I'm all but 11 again, wide-eyed, smiling, and wickedly mischievous.

Most importantly, he makes me want to write again.

I watched Stardust on my iPhone yesterday while I was in Malacca, after I took my bath, and had nothing to do while waiting for my family to pack and head home. It made me laugh so much, for more reasons than one. I have no doubt the book will be far more brilliant than the movie. What I liked about the movie was that I had loaded it into my apple device without much thought, hoping that it'll be a lighter watch than Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and ten minutes into Stardust I was already chortling and gasping at the ridiculousness of the characters, and was extremely taken by the movie. It's rare that a scene about a person falling off a building to his demise by a push from his own blood-brother, could be FUNNY. But it was in this movie and for minds who make movies and write books like these, I thank the heavens ;)

Take That's Rule the World at the end was also the cherry on top of a yummy cake. In the car with the rain pouring outside, I couldn't be more filled with hope at my own future listening to that very song.

when you find yourself thinking about things that didn't happen

2011-01-07T13:36:00.000+08:00

I have a feeling, this feeling if I didn't magically attach myself some 2 years ago,

that I'd be having some very interesting long distance relationships with rather cute boys who look not unlike Shia LeBeouf, who will tell me that they will want to take me to desolate beaches of Oregon or trawl through small canyon rocks of nearby deserts of their hometown, or even to sit and watch a sunrise on a Kiwi island and speak of God while tracing my fingers in the rays of dawn with their own firm hands.

But I'm happy where I am now, in the strangest ways, in the saddest and simplest ways. Am I glad I took the plunge to engage in something solid and real?

Yes. Yes I am.

I'm sure half-imagined, mostly-assumed, long distance love with someone you've never met would have brought me a lot of heartbreak and disappointments and no closure, because love letters are no substitute for living proof, yes?

I guess we'll never know.

Ambition

2011-01-04T13:15:00.001+08:00

I have been trowling the internet, quite consciously distracting myself from more pressing problems, but I've found several videos that have helped me know what I'm really aiming for in my life, and that is to become a family photographer and a family therapist/bookwriter/camp-organizer. On the side I'll strive to write some scripts and draft some books.. because although grappling with creative writer's block for about 2 years now I still dream of writing a storybook and plays.

I've always secretly feared that I was a person with no ambition. I've considered law, medicine, engineering and kind of mucked my own mind about what I CAN do and ended up letting my laziness grow, and thus leading me to a kind of mid-transition between being a teenager and adult, and a big hopelessness at making decisions (and especially sticking to them after I've chosen one eenie-meenie-myni-mo style).

But I know somewhere deep inside me I have drive and passion, it's just this big thing about my insecurity and inferiority complex that has led me to suppress them because other people don't believe in these ambitions of mine.

But does it matter what you or others think about me?

One day you'll call me up for your family photographs, because I'm the one who will make a fool of myself to make you laugh and then snap that wonderful shot that I'll blow up in a big canvas because I know you'll love it.

I'll be that friend you call because I don't tell others' secrets to anybody else but my imaginary friends.

I'll be that other mother you like having frappucino and crepe cake rendezvouses with because husbands don't like desserts ;)

My ambition is to become a good mother, friend, and memory-maker. And I'm getting there soon enough :)

my grandmother and her 10 siblings

Gems from my personal radio (okay last.fm made one for me)

2010-12-29T19:20:00.000+08:00

Painting by Chagall - The Weepies

Fools in Love - Inara George

Satellite - Lelia Broussard

Fade - The Narrative

Love Don't Make You Juliet - Brandi Shearer

If you're happy and you know it, clap dance beat!

2010-12-29T16:52:00.000+08:00

Good television

2010-12-24T15:08:00.000+08:00

Childhood things resurfaced in my head and I got so excited! Finally got time to go on youtube to find these gems, and the kid in me is jumping in my seat.

Watch this, lovelies, and laugh your pants off.

I was also trying to find an All That sketch for Bridget's Slumber Party but I couldn't find a good quality one, but the goth character, Claudia, in that sketch is totally ME! Do any of you remember her? She would say stuff like "A boy kissed me once.. I bit his face" and then Bridget would ask "oooh was he cute??" and Claudia would answer "yes... until I bit his face"

Bahahhahaa.

A fascination for reptilian creatures

2010-12-10T17:50:00.000+08:00

I went to the singapore zoo and saw a crocodile and I realised the jagged edges on its back reminds me of the traditional malay kuih semperit.

My mother tittered when she heard that one.

You can't touch the surface without moving me

2010-12-09T16:14:00.000+08:00

Underneath, I bruise easily.

Dear A.

2010-12-04T08:41:00.000+08:00

I like people who can make fun of themselves,

even when I know they've been through the toughest luck in the world and lost loved ones.

Dear A,
You inspire me, even though I don't know you all that well or even a little bit, even though we were in the same place for only 2 months.

We are pieces of the same crashed meteorite, still trying to find all of ourselves before we finally know where home is.

I wish you the best of luck, brother.

This little thing about crediting other people's work (or thing)

2010-12-01T22:33:00.000+08:00

From my precious shutter-count-decreasing photos,

to my mother's original pasta sauce recipe,

to my well-chosen array of trademark lyrical expressions,

to any of my talented friends' sketches and comics,

when used without permission or without due credit,

makes my blood boil.

Sometimes I stop and think hmm maybe I'm being too sensitive about the whole issue, that it's one of my control issues spiraling out of control (heh), but I've decided that really, it's the people that take and take and TAKE, and not say a word of thanks, without a morsel of remorse or shame, these people are the ones who lack proper manners.

Have you not been taught your P's and Q's?

You are disgusting, you thick-skinned, pea-brained, credit-denying thief.

It makes me think twice about sharing my wonderful things with just anybody, which saddens me, because I love sharing beautiful things. But not if they're going to be misused and without a proper mention, with you taking all the credit.

Mind your manners, please. Don't steal, even if you think it's not worth a mention, just do. If you didn't make it yourself, credit credit credit!

All the cake I've eaten

2010-11-19T18:17:00.000+08:00

in these past 3 days is an absolute crime. I can't believe I'm not actually ill yet. I AM suffering from tingly face and hands though... the last time I had this I was terrified I thought I was dying. It was near exams and all though, it might've just been dehydration and hysteria. Hahahaha. But back to the issue, yesterday I was really feeling very queasy and full to the point where I felt like a bloated balloon, and I knew that all that eating wasn't going to let my body off scot-free.

Hm.

I do believe I've finished Mini-Shopaholic in roughly 10 hours, give or take. Gulp. It is so awful but I keep plunging into its pages and flipping them over and over again and although I was mortified at the materialism and stubbornness and general AWFULNESS of Becky Bloomwood and wanted to STOP READING, I just can't help but read on in horrified fascination. The character is so flawed, and unlikable, and selfish, and it's obvious she has a disorder and she's spoiled and LIES so many times I'm not even sure how her family and friends don't notice or how often they forgive her when they do notice... it's criminal. It's strangely addictive how I can't stop reading no matter how sickening the heroine becomes though. I wonder if Kinsella put some form of drug or magic mojo on the paper that her books are printed on. It must be like.. printed cocaine or something. While reading I keep getting familiar twinges at certain descriptions and oh god I think I KNOW a real life Bex and it's not a pleasant discovery... I am quite scared for the person. And myself. And her future children. But mostly for myself...

That aside, I'd like to say there is nothing quite as adorable as Louisa trying to speak Malay (well I mean she IS speaking malay but she's not using the proper malay slang and it comes out all funny and innocent and like SKEMA zomg cute). Except perhaps the babies of some of my flickr friends when they decide to be all smiley and cooing. But Louisa wins really.

I had a good day today, a Friday, it started off with a skinny boy loudly complaining and cursing in the car but he got better as the day progressed (although really for a 16 year old who is straight he's quite the drama queen - morning person or not it's just inexcusable to be so rude and commanding). I ate nasi arab and kambing and all. Yumm. And I had a nice moment at the putrajaya office where I went "oh I don't need my sijil kelahiran anymore.. I'm legal!"

Woot.

I predicted Hujan November :D

2010-11-07T16:43:00.000+08:00

Uih mulut masin I! Nak tau you, previous post I said it wasn't rainy season, then the next day tup tup terus angin sejuk bertiup dan hujan renyai-renyai.

Niiiiice :D Allah heard my prayers for better exam preparation weather. Uhuk sebenarnya weather untuk tidur lebih nyenyak ada lah T__T

4 more days and I am FREEEEE for 2 weeks!

Then results come out. FRICK.

MK

November Rain

2010-11-07T02:05:00.000+08:00

Not that it's raining right now in particular.

Hello all.

I've just been feeling melancholic lately... While sitting atop a bench on the 2nd floor of one of the university buildings last week, alone and quite happy about it, I randomly got hit by a sudden wave of nostalgia.

I'm thankful for having found people who seem to marvel at my existence, and they make my life so much more meaningful and fun, and I would not have it any other way. It just seemed like such a long ago when I was just me, too many layers and nobody to peel them off, too much mind-wandering and no one to pull me back to earth and akhirah, and too much sadness that my own youth couldn't seem to cure. Those same shadows still lurk around corners and sometimes they pounce, but I make them back down these days. Thankful I am, I am.

But for that young girl who feared she wouldn't live past 17, I remember these were your songs. If I could reach back in time to you in a hush and and hand some of the beautiful things I have now, make you feel better, I would.

Corinne Bailey Rae. Just Like A Star, Choux Pastry Heart.
Basia Bulat. Little Waltz, Why Can't It Be Mine.

"I just want to stay here, until never dawns"

Pergi Saja, Cintamu Pergi. (HA pegi blah la kau)

2010-11-06T11:17:00.000+08:00

Farah and I were suddenly inspired and started blabbering about how great Anuar Zain's songs were, me saying "Semua Untukmu" had a pretty awesome a capella beginning and beautiful harmonics overall and we were googling his songs and then Farah got a Ferhad song mixed up and thought it was sang by Anuar Zain and she couldn't find the lyrics haha and that consequently led to an animated discussion about the degradation of lyrics in today's Malaysian music and desecration of love and purity of music by the popping of such un-original tak tau malu artists like Misz Nonet or whatever her name is Ninna, Nuna? Do I care? No.

Farah and I have a recurrent topic among our daily conversations, it always seems to go back to the "hentam-ing" session of Malaysian "artists" who have no solid talent in acting, nowadays it seems as long as you have a Pan-Asian face and a squeaky voice you'll get the gig as the heroine in a drama... none quite matching the grace and style of our respected lady actors, like Fauziah Nawi, Wan Maimunah, Azean Irdawaty, Elly Suriati and certainly none of these newb generation have said ladies' flair for drama.

Digression rant aside. Coming back to the topic of singers, I remembered how much I loved Kris Dayanti's songs as a kid and I mentioned it to Farah and her face changed. At first I was annoyed because if it wasn't her taste she shouldn't be making faces just because, but something told me perhaps there was a solid reason why she doesn't like her. So I decided to hear her out. And then... she said "yes sure, but she's divorced and everything now. Had sex with some man. In a car."

Something inside me broke.

I was spluttering "but she has kids! and her husband was loyal!!" and then Farah uttered "and Kris Dayanti has supposedly gained the title Hajjah... having gone for Haji"

I didn't know she was getting/got a divorce, being a monash student I have blissfully cut myself off from celebriworld and general news (save for the important malaysian politic to argue about/islam progression/women and child rights/global natural disasters). This famous woman's divorce story may have happened God knows when, a long time ago, yesterday, but the news hit me hard.

I hate it, HATE IT, when someone I look up to disappoints me. It hurts so bad and all the love and memories for her songs just went flushing down a deep black hole inside me. I feel like I can never hear "Menghitung Hari" without feeling betrayed now. You may think I'm being dramatic, but her music played a big part in my childhood and shaped my views that it is usually men who break a woman's heart and NOW I SEE THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A MAN TO BE A DICKWAD.

Pardon my french.

The thing that seals the hate deal, is that apparently she's dressing even sexier or whatever and shows little repentance (after all, if you're a muslim and you release your sex story without shame to the public, surely that means you have no dignity to have kept the adultery to yourself and save your children from knowing your dirty deeds blergh)... SAD.

Bye bye Kris Dayanti. Malas aku nak layan kau sekarang. Tapi aku doa untuk kau. Maybe ko sesat sementara, ataupun ko masih tak mature untuk jaga kemaluan kamu. Nauzubillah.

Out,
MK.

What career will suit my personality?

2010-08-12T07:48:00.000+08:00

11 august 2010

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to be creative, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

Artist
Historian
Banker
Novelist
University Professor
Photographer
Vet
Paralegal
Graphic Designer
Online Content Developer
Webmaster
Producer
Managing Director
Nutritionist
Advertising
Nursing

You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don't like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don't like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don't get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don't like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.

Read more: What career will suit your personality? http://quiz.ivillage.co.uk/cgi-bin/uk_work/tests/career.pl#ixzz0wLOrNlqC

Well I'll be danged if it ain't true.

Beautiful Winged Beings

2010-07-06T08:27:00.000+08:00

who fly.

I got this from a mention of a friend of Louisa's, which I'm thankful for. I never seem to stumble upon documentaries myself these days, long gone are the days of being glued to discovery, natgeo, and animal planet.

Winged Migration

Remember this?

2010-07-05T18:55:00.000+08:00

Primary school sports day! Back when we were tiny as midgets and had sukanekas. Ah the littleness of it!

I accompanied my sister to her school event because I wanted to be supportive but as it turned out, just before she had her event - cute little running while carrying a ping pong on a spoon using their mouth - the gloomy grey sky that had been threatening us with rumblings and strong winds suddenly burst and poured torrential droplets of rain. It was as if the sky had been holding in all the stress of the past week and finally broke down xD

My poor sister, she was all scrunched up smiles and "ahahha"s that she'd have to postpone her sport.

We had to wait out the crazy downpour in the huge canteen, and everybody got drinks and hot food to satiate their hunger.The chatter of running children was quite overwhelming, I saw parents at hard work keeping their children from getting too excited. Most of them failed though haha, and I saw kids playing in the rain after the stormy rumblings subsided. I suppose it was safe and it looked like so much fun! I was terribly tempted to splash a few puddles myself, but we were in a hurry to get into the car, though I did manage some lovely snaps.

It was near 12 and I kept pestering my parents to bring us somewhere for lunch, I was feeling like having some tomyam. But alas it wasn't to be, we went for hot malay food instead. We had to run in the cold to get to our car on the other side of the main road. I was terrified on the jejantas because saya gayat well the stair holes were bothering my sense of balance I was afraid that my slippers would fall through them and onto some innocent soul below T.T So I walked up like a 500 year old tortoise, and then when in the middle of the pedestrian bridge I saw this nice scene of cars splashing water with their tires so I decided to get some shots and didn't regret it. Then I had to run down and get soaked in really cold rainwater again. Brrrr sejuk sejuk. Just thinking about it makes me shiver.

I adore my sister, although she does annoy me at times, but that's what sisters do, and I'm trying not to let myself get angry so fast. I'm sorry I didn't get to see her participate in her sports event, apparently she'd been practising a lot at home at the price of abandoning her schoolwork xDDD She's a doll. But let me tell you, sometimes she says a LOT of stuff and at inappropriate times at that. For example, haritu we were eating at the restaurant and she was done (she only ate like fishball and tauhu with 3 spoons of rice) and then she wandered a bit, came back to our table and suddenly said "tau tak ada lipas mati dalam tandas tu!!" I was all "M kakak tengah makan laaaah!!! Don't say disgusting stuff"

Dear M,

today in the afternoon I was teaching you how to read the time on the clock for mathematics, and you were very good. I hope I'm a good sister to you, and I hope you know how much I want you to like me no matter what age you become. I'll always be here for you if you need me :)

Yours,

Kakak.

Up!

2010-07-04T18:10:00.000+08:00

It was a Great Story™.

Pixar apparently does not need any form of sexual reference to sell movies.

Simply a story, first of love between two adventure-seeking children, who grew to love and marry each other and became old sweethearts. Without children (oh this tugged violently on my heartstrings!) because there were medical complications that didn't allow them to have babies. They lived a lovely life together, but their dream to find adventure was never fulfilled because life's needs kept breaking their money jar, money which they save to fund their big adventure to south america. Once the old man got enough to buy tickets, his wife passed away.

It was sad to see the old man fall victim to progress, having to keep big bosses of building companies (who wanted to buy his house) at bay. Then the scheme of the hundreds of helium balloons unfolded and the adventure began. And suddenly there were colourful chocolate-loving dodo-like birds and talking dogs in clever collar-devices saying "hello! My name is doug and I love you!" And from it changed more towards a story of friendship, loyalty and bravery =)

There were gasps -amazingly illustrated cumulonimbus cloud storms threatening to pop all the balloons and destroy floating house- and laughs -dogs getting distracted and dizzy by a mere mention of them "squirrels!"- and love -flashbacks to Ellie the girl adventurer's dreams- all in between, and it made me so happy.

This is something I got to enjoy wholeheartedly with my littlest sister, M and for that I cannot be more grateful.

I love Pixar!

(Dan saya sangat suka cuti 3 minggu dari monash sebab ada peluang nak tido dan tengok movie)

Junebugs

2010-06-08T17:40:00.000+08:00

3 beautiful things

6 June 2010

1. Being woken up by the sweetest voice I know. He was at the airport :)

2. Taking sun drenched photos with fara in the evening. Owl necklaces n vintage bags and pretty outfits n radiant smiles and effervescent laughter. Having a good dinner of tomyam, fried calamari in flour, and kailan ikan masin. Walking around the neighbourhood was fun!

3. Cooking in the afternoon. Sharing jokes about what happened to her sister in their bedroom involving yellow liquid lol and asrama stories n fara telling me of the grown boy seniors coming back to meet their family. Will put it into storybook :D

Bonus for today is that I played My Heart Will Go On on the piano!! *giddiness* also played what a wonderful world aaah! I bought the book from Caroline on saturday, because I expressed interest in playing some contemporary songs alongside the classicals I'm learning. On one of my next lessons I intend to bring the sheet music for Lionel Richie's Hello ;•)

Alhamdulillah.

As soon as I'm able I want to solat hajat every night for exams, wellbeing, family and safety, for easier tasks here and for akhirah.

HDs for electrical, profession, structures and computing, insyaAllah!

7 june 2010

1. Achar gosht. My god. Sedap nak mampus. Rich curry with golden fried meat, herby hot and yummily yoghurty xD Ate with steaming thai rice and garlicky pakchoy n peas in oyster sauce. With Razi and Fara :) God bless Biya's mom for buying us the lovely Knorr Curry packets and sending them all the way from Pakistan to Malaysia <3 As always I'm thankful I'm a decent cook. I think I'll soon write a post about the dishes I can cook and make your mouth water :P

2. Cute little Chinese baby boy in Vincci blew us a flying kiss while we were browsing shoes xD

3. Seeing my black book filled with electrical formulas in silvery and pastel inks.

Hi it's my face with a green train rushing fast behind me!

2010-06-04T20:13:00.000+08:00

Just in case you weren't interested in my face. Green trains are quite like caterpillars and most people find caterpillars interesting - while others find it repulsive. I hope people don't find me repulsive. Hey an antisocial girl can dream right?

3 beautiful things June 4th

I have it in my phone, will send it here as soon as I configure email and update the silly OS. Apparently my version of iphone can't even do simple things like select all, copy or paste!

uppity update!

1. Having razi over with fara, cooking n talking about everything, from batman movies to gym classes, arranged marriages to jostanbeeber, food and health and diseases, to malay movies and past fights and childish biodata writings. It was very very pleasant talking to razi, she's intelligent, straightforward in a funny way, and quite open. I am looking forward to her graduating as a doctor, she's a bright gem in the murky waters of the health employees these days who only look for money and look upon patients with disdain, as if I don't possess a brain and won't be able to comprehend their scientific lexicon, pfft. We need doctors who are both kind and intelligent.

2. Forgiving raimi quickly for being grumpy and complainy. My anger management has come a long way. We were quite bummed to realize we won't have much time to study together next week, he is heading to singapore sun till tues while i am away wednesday to monday =| but we worked it out, made a timetable and promised to email each other. I studied quite a bit on electricals today, so that feels good too. Always great to have raimi to discuss electronics with :)

3. Being able to cook yummy food and sharing it with friends!! Getting compliments and burps after feeding ma girls is always encouraging xD

Alhamdullillah.

Quote of the Day: Islam will never be strong enough to defend itself until there are more muslims who wake up for fajar prayers compared to muslims who go for jumaat prayers. - farah-

Great reminder to myself. I must must never wake up late for subuh ever again!! InsyaAllah. Let us be great together, my fellow brothers n sisters.

Starting A New Project

2010-06-04T13:01:00.001+08:00

It's called 3 Beautiful Things, where you list down 3 things that happened in your day, everyday, that made you feel the beauty of living. My close friends Biya and Hibbie are doing it and they got me on the boat. We were on Hib's balcony, the three of us squeezed onto one mattress she happens to have around, with a candle on a stool illuminating our faces in the single-starred night, and they told me that a psychologist started the project and it's been proven to make people healthier and a little happier. It's so much stress being a student that sometimes you fail to see the good things that happen, so it's a way to be grateful for the little things that save the day :)

For June 3, 2010

1. Wearing a matte pink and beige dress to university and feeling pretty. Those days are so rare, where I feel like making myself look presentable. I never wear any makeup anymore, which is a good thing for my skin as it gets to breathe, but it's like I've been neglecting my appearance as a whole, being an engineering student. My senior Nia came to me in the surau and exclaimed "aaah I like!" and my best friend Raim smiled and said "you look.. just beautiful". I thank Fara for spotting the Nicole dress first ♥

2. Hearing others' family history. Talking to my roommate and realising half of her family roots are back in India! I was so excited, because I thought she was another local malaysian, but she's visited her hometown in India 5 times, and I asked her what it was like since I've never traveled. I would really like to go there one day, and she said "hey, who knows, we could maybe go together" =))) Hopes and dreams keep me alive, especially the prospect of travel.

3. The night before when I slept over at Hibbie's house. It was 1am which means it counts as today, and she let me eat her bread and Biya microwaved a mug of milk because I was having such a monstrous tummy ache. I felt so much better afterwards, and Biya and I stayed up in Hib's queen bed and listened to a couple of Glee songs and giggled in the moonlight that streamed through the big window.

Alhamdulillah :)

A New Month

2010-06-03T13:19:00.000+08:00

Wow people it's already June!

June 2nd 2010
Morning Raimi sent me home to cleoputra and we had lunch together. We discussed about Gaza and I came to a theory that it absolutely is not religion that causes wars, but the greed for power in certain people, and this need is so great that it makes them manipulative and they search for the closest thing to declare as their cause and agenda. Confused they take religion to be their blood-pouring propaganda, when in fact any good teaching does not resolve anything by war. We need to make that distinction and choose to be diplomatic and true to our Islamic teachings. Our feelings and wants overpower our inherent subservience to Allah sometimes, and is amplified by shaitan's whispers in our ear and their nudging of our hearts and nafsu, but we MUST be strong. No power on earth is worth it for an eternity in hell. Counter these greed to squash other humans to prove we are 'right' and enlightened. We can't always be right, because Allah knows best. The only justice is by following what we've been told in the Quran.

My beautiful things

1. Being able to give. I rarely buy gifts for people, which is something that made me sad and I finally decided to do something about it. I scoured toy shops for plushies and selected a soft grey cat plush. This morning when I dropped by home I put the plastic bag with the toy on top of marsha's bed and just felt a surge if joy at the thought of her coming back and finding it. The pleasure is not the self-contained kind. My sister deserves some kindness, she is such an effervescent tiny thing and she should be smiling.
I also let Raimi use my brand new iPhone. I loved that abah gave it to me, it's really nice. But I figured my phone was still working n I don't have time to configure techy gadgets atm, and Raimi gets so excited about apple, and he's been such a sweet person to me and he helped me buy my iPod and loves me like I am the most perfect person he has ever found. I let him test drive the phone, so to speak. The joy it gives him makes me so so happy. If the iPhone was really mine to give I'd let him have it, but it's a gift from dad so it wouldn't be entirely nice. One day though, I'll be giving him things when I can afford it.

2. Having lovely friends. Who forgive. Like fara. And biya, who so kindly accepts me even after I get so selfish and self-absorbed. Their patience is nothing short of miracles. And hiba's kindness at letting me stay over at her place last night. Letting me eat her bread and milk and using her vicks balm when I was attacked by gastric, what a kind kind soul!

3. Meeting biya's dad. If nothing, watching families meet and embrace and share is always like a birthday present to me. It is so inviting, the bubble of warmth spreading when they speak in Urdu to each other and speaking of muaz the baby. Like when Carlina posted old portraits of her Italian family on her tumblr, and i ended up gushing to her about how I was so happy to learn the rich details of her family history and personalities, and just absorbing the memories that were the family photos from the past. Families bring a certain joy to me, when the love shines in such luminiscence and warmth, because that it was I long for and to be given the honour of having dinner with such a family made me so grateful. MashaAllah I won't forget the lovely food and the adorable company. Thank you Allah for bringing such good people into my life here on this earth.

Alhamdulillah.

well hi!

2010-05-31T12:27:00.000+08:00

I just don't have time to write long posts anymore. I'll be writing a lot in end of June to beginning of July though. It's a time of change, and I foresee stress WARGH but it must be countered by lots of selfportraits and photowalks and talking with good friends.

For now it'll be short posts. And I shall put pictures for good measure.

this is me lately! Note the starfish fingers. My uni friends go nuts over my tiny keyboard-tapping units =/

I'm quite addicted to mcdonald breakfasts. By addicted I mean I eat them once every month, because hey I don't have a car to drive to one every morning hahahha. The first time I tried a sausage mcmuffin was the day we went to genting, in the morning at central station, would you believe it! I pride myself in trying a brekkie fast food set for the first time at 18! as opposed to being 5. A lovely female voice was crooning on the restaurant radio and the friends were happily talking and I was gobbling up the beef sandwich like it was the first food I've had in 3 days. Yum. Happy days.

More please!

Grief

2010-05-26T00:25:00.001+08:00

I am in dire need of letting out these frustrations out somewhere

And as always I'll choose words and scatter them across the interweb.

Why?

Well I have nobody talk to.

I have worn out my best friend's heart, complaining every single day, oh but how noble is he, he never really chucks me out, just blithely listens and very occasionally reacts in small, barely-audible little tantrums.

I'm not interested anymore. I don't know what I want to do, there's not a drop of confidence left inside of this body to even think of WORKING. Who dares put a competent job in my hands? I'll just end up killing people, even if my profession does not involve actual contact with humans/handling their health.

We made a memory above the clouds

2010-04-07T01:01:00.001+08:00

When the swings rose into the air and spun with the grand wheel and we were lifted above, our legs losing touch with stable ground, I felt a heady sense of rush and exhilaration and sadness, all melting into one ball of emotion resting somewhere inside of me. The day was ending, the sky was flooded with white mist that were actually Clouds (clouds!) and the sun had sunk low and disappeared behind all the white fog. Being on the chairoplane made me feel like such a child again, save for the fact that I didn't need to keep pushing to the ground to rise high.

It was like when you were a wee little toddler and an uncle spun you round and round, and you laughed as the world went by in a whirl of blended colours. The only reason I could think of for why I was feeling sad was because it had been such a wonderfully fun day and it was soon time to go home and I'm always so bloody sentimental about saying goodbye to trips/holidays. But it also might have been the fact that I was allowed to be a child today, to be excited and exclaim and scream and laugh as much as I pleased, and it was a little melancholic to be leaving that state of being. I adored this outing, and I hope to have more of the same! I love you my friends for making it so memorable :)

I loved the cable car trip back down to the foot of the hill too, when we were enveloped in the mist and could not see anything beyond because of the thickness of it! Entering the shroud of fog was terrifying, as if we were all dead and following the white light xD When we broke through the clouds and saw the image of the hills and city and sky beyond, the feeling that went through me cannot be described as other than gobsmacked! The sky was fiery with streaks of red, with gorgeous dark blue and white clouds, and stained with orange and pink; a masterpiece painted by the Grand Creator.

I thank Allah, for the weather was absolutely magical throughout the whole day :) The sky was azure blue and the clouds pretty, the breeze cold and lovely, and the sun was warming our skin just enough to make us feel cozy and toasty without having to don a sweater.

Pictures

2010-03-06T13:12:00.000+08:00

of children always cheer me up.

Here is my sister and cousins, back in february when we had a family trip to penang <3

A Selfportrait

2010-02-08T12:47:00.000+08:00

I've been writing on other sites/or in my notebook, or generally just talking to friends via email which is much like writing letters, and thus I've not had the time to update here, what with working on the weekdays and going out with family/the boy on weekends and sleeping with the time that is left.

I wanted to put this here as well. I wrote this last Saturday.

There is something I’d like to tell.

Sometimes wearing a hijab makes me cry at my lost opportunities.

Mostly because my earlier selfportraits concentrated on hair and neck and body language. I’ve no regrets on that certainly, getting into the exercise of selfportraits made me realise a lot about who I am. And I was very good at turning my anger and confusion into something akin to art. Those times are ones I will remember fondly.

Someone noticed my work and gave me a lot of encouragement, her name was Helene Deroubaix, and her words really brought life to me when I was weakened with being prisoned within my own room and mind, and not having any beauty to quench my thirst for real photographs. As a resort to not being able to travel or even being let out of the house (not entirely due to my draconian-eyed parents, I sometimes think I did not possess the courage to rebel in that manner), I took refuge in expressing myself through my camera.

Her poetic, dear dear soul was one who is always kind and knowing, touching my very heart with words that revived my frittering self. She even based one of her mixed media paintings on one of my selfportraits - a dark one where I held a baby bird in my hand and looking completely haunted in a gothic black dress, eyes blank and empty. But what was so remarkable was that her painting turned out hopeful and full of good dreams, which opened me up to a horizon full of optimistic thoughts. I have been very lucky to have been saved. I don’t know how it happened, but it did, and not once do I think it has nothing to do with the friends I’ve made over the virtual network that is the Internet.

Last year she asked me through flickrmail whether I wanted to be a part of her Poetic Terrorism book. I was deeply honoured but also immediately struck with confusion and guilt, I wanted to contribute quite badly, because it was a chance to be published, and also because I loved her so much as a friend and artist that I did not want to disappoint, but I had already made the choice to don the headcover. I stayed as strong as I could and went on to quietly private all my past selfportraits where my ‘aurah’ was visible.

As I was wrought with distraction of entering university at the time, I never even replied to her kind offer, to say thanks. I am sorry for forgetting my manners, but I want to thank you anyhow, Helene =) I was looking through Carly’s maternity tumblr today and just realised you are with child and oh how I am so happy for you!

Back to the issue of hijabs, I’ve never fully explained why I suddenly made the choice to cover up, and I don’t need to. It is entirely my affair and not one which I have to justify to anybody.
But that does not mean I do not struggle with it day to day. The early days have passed and the worst probably over, but still I miss the sun in my hair.

It is all right though. This is why I’m telling. That the feeling of wanting to take it off goes away, and then all the wonderful things that come with saving your body and hair for someone who deserves it, will make you the happiest person on Earth. And doing it to please Allah, you know there is a place for you in the afterlife. The universe will explode one day, ya know :P

I know there was a beginning and there will one day be an ending, and my faith is that we’re not all JUST going to die and be no more. There is something beyond matter and time and there is a Creator, and I will live the best way I can to hopefully make it all the way and to meet Him.

Thus I am never going to stop wearing the hijab.

And if it means not getting published at 18, that’s okay.

Elle Facts #2

2010-02-05T13:03:00.000+08:00

I am not fond of the words "quit" or "resign".

It might be purely psychological. It stems from societal stigma that 'quitting' is associated with 'giving up' and 'resigning' sounds as if you were made to choose between getting fired or leaving in peace (no drama).

And thus when my friend said he was "quitting" his job after two months I just felt queasy hearing the word leave his mouth. I personally felt, he was not quitting or resigning, he is just choosing to stop working at that particular shop after making the decision to only work there 2 months. He liked the job, but is leaving it as his time there was up, and thus quitting felt like a betrayal of a word xD

A customer I was calling was referring to one of my colleagues who recently moved to another company, and she said "we used to refer to him for these matters, where is he now?"
Me: "He's moved to another company."
Customer: "So he resigned?"
Me: "No he just transferred to another company"
Customer: "To another branch?"
Me: "No, to a different company."
Customer: "*laughs unkindly* that means he resign lah!!"

Hmm.

Oh well, my three month contract period is almost up, roughly two-three weeks to go. And I shall not 'quit' nor 'resign', I shall merely STOP =) I like saying things my way.

Elle Facts #1

2010-01-27T14:13:00.000+08:00

I always get this giddy, nervous feeling whenever I put up a witty reply up somewhere on the net, be it facebook or a chat,

because I know a smashing verbal war is about to erupt and the thought makes my nerves catch fire.

That's excitement, to me.

Psyched Electrified

2010-01-11T12:29:00.000+08:00

The pineapple just texted me to say that 30+ of my bw film shots were perfecty exposed!

I am SO HAPPPPPEH!

Obviously the processing was outrageously expensive.. rm18 for processing and rm12 for contact print... from there I'm going to choose which ones to get individually printed :) If there are any outstanding ones I am going to get them printed bigger than the normal size. There is a serious lack of frames adorning my room! and ever since my sister moved the beds I've been waking up staring at an empty wall when before I woke up staring to the profile of a huge bookcase xD

It'd be nice to hang something up in the living room too =)

This just makes me even more excited to get my colour roll processed! I've ten frames left though, it's really amazing how careful I am with my frames. Digital photography has made me greedy and I intend to cut down on that.

I went out with Aica yesterday and tried the video on her 500d and it was le awesome! We really had fun and ate some yummy pasta for lunch and blew bubbles and I dirtied my grey jeans kneeling in damp grass xD

Pictures (and something extra =p) are coming!!!

much love,
elles

Left Out

2009-12-29T11:53:00.000+08:00

oh how horrid is it to be stuck inside an office while your friends are meeting each other and having a good pokey laugh?

I wish I was there with Lou Nicole Sweat and Lem at pyramid *POUTS BEASTLY*

Last Weekend of the Millenium's First Decade

2009-12-28T11:55:00.000+08:00

With a 01/01/10 looming like an obvious iceberg about to crash smack-in-your-face while you stand atop a cliff saying goodbye to the time that has passed, you'd think I'd look more prepared for a new year xD Instead I wait around like an oblivious penguin --which has seen the same thing for the past ten years of its life and expects the same thing to occur for the next ten-- and continue sliding on my belly on the cold cold ice.

I want the change. But since the money for the material things haven't arrived yet, I am obliged to make the inner changes first. Which is just as well. Once I get my hands on a shiny iPod and my body garbed with colourful new cloths I might risk throwing away my rationality, having too much fun boogeying, and end up getting eaten by a polar bear.

Ah, resolutions. I should start with more positive thinking. Countering bad circumstances by smiling annoyingly in its face. Getting slapped by annoyed bad circumstance and continue grinning in a pleasant manner. Getting smacked in the face and picking up punched-out tooth framed by lips obviously curved upwards. Now that's optimism! And I thought I carried it well this past weekend.

To say it simply, my sunny beachy vacation was a disaster. But only in the sense of it turning out the exact opposite of the pretty pretty picture I'd painted in my mind while still sweltering in the KL heat. Over there, it rained. Every friggin' day. And yet the heat remained. My sister got nosebleeds everytime the rain stopped and the sun came out. Three nosebleeds in three days. Can't have been fun. Unless you enjoy bloody 'kahak' (phlegm) trickling down your throat =/
There were no bars/discotechs either. No adults humiliating themselves by getting a little too much alcohol in their bloodstream and walking with legs crossed across the road and screaming "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!" at the strangers innocently eating roti canai at the mamak stall across. I would've been overjoyed to see a display such as this, especially since nowadays the adult category has expanded wonderfully to include my recently legal/non compos mentis pals GX and Lueza.

I think I was confusing Cherating with Penang.

Strange how distorted your 9-year-old memory is compared to the picture in front of your 18-year-old self now. To my initial horror, Cherating was actually a sleepy old fishing village dotted with lots of greyish brown palm trees and dingy chalets with tiny outhouses attached to their hips. Looking like an unwelcome growth, reminiscent of cancer; with geometric-shaped holes poked into the upper walls just underneath the roof to let unholy odours seep out and save the culprit from dying from his/her own bodily excretions' smells, these outhouses garnered snickering and become a target of a great many jokes from our family.

Of course all this mean laughter could only mean one thing: that my dad wasn't cruel enough to have placed us in there. Little favours *thanks God* I was terrified he was going to use his favourite excuse on us "ADVENTURE LAH SIKIT!!!" and dump us next to the jamban chalets.

That said, our inn wasn't the Holiday Villa I remembered from nine years ago. It was overbooked T.T The inn we stayed at was a five minute walk from the beach, which made me a little grumpy because it would mean I'd have to walk to catch the sunrise instead of just slipping down from my hotel room. But things happen for a reason, I woke up at 6 each morning only to be greeted by the pitter patter of water molecules hitting the glass doors of the verandah, and thus any hopes of a Godsent sunrise scene was instantly squashed to a sad lump inside me.

And on Saturday when we went further down to Kuantan to get a little sun at Teluk Chempedak it rained the instant our car passed the sign to signify our arrival.

Ah. Rain.

It naturally became a trip about food. And thus we stuffed ourselves like Christmas turkeys. Seafood two nights in a row. Wasn't cheap. Everything is going to turn into brown mush anyway, but we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves while pigging out.

After all that blabbering about the sun on facebook I now have no beach bounty to present to you. Photos, sand in my buttcrack, shells : zero, null, nada.

I did get to walk on the beach at night though. It was thrilling. I stepped onto the very damp layer of sand and felt my feet sink and my stomach dropping down; the dim light my eyes were allowed was slightly nervewrecking, the darkness was so palpably there somehow. So I backed away and stayed on cool, dry sand, looked at the stars and let the sounds of the waves crash over me.

So the conclusion of everything is that even though I have the opportunity to say that my vacation sucked eggs, I 'm not. I actually had a nice time. I whined a lot, sure, but that is just simply my default state. Therefore everyone should stay as annoyingly optimistic as I am and expect me to be just as lovely in the decade to come.

2010 will be a great year. Mostly because everybody I know is turning 20 and I remain young forEVAAAAAAAAH

bwahaha I kid, I kid =]

I'm planning on excelling in my studies and am watching out for more opportunities like travel stuff and business contacts, things are starting to look my way, oh yes. InsyaAllah.

Look out for photos sometime soon *sounds vague* I can't promise you a when, but I can promise you a where =) here, (and probably flickr and MAYBE mukabuku.) I went to this elephant conservatory and deer park in the heart of Pahang and got my share of photographs =)

All the time we were in Cherating Ikhsan grew gradually less maniacal and more friendly (in the sense that his grunts became slightly more discernible and intelligible. They were still mean with mirth). He got straight As for PMR. The kid is evil and yet gifted with genius. Bleeding fark.

On another note: I can now declare that I am addicted to playing Cooking Mama. (My sister got a nintendo ds last week for getting straight As too. Am I the only one not getting good results in the family? =~/ )

Hey LUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Saya reti masak babi sekarang :D Nasi goreng babi ada, porkchop, babi veggie soup etc

But I keep failing the rice and curry pork dish D:<

I'v tried 15 times so far and all I ever get is a measly 50/100.

They also have halal food in the game. Or not. Mama is japanese. So she cannot sembelih ayam or daging.

Quote of the Day:
"What kind of name is Restoran Baging? Babi campur daging ke? *gelak2 macam pontianak* "
~Mum when she saw said restaurant on the road in Cherating.

Now you know why I laugh like the freaky spawn of a witch whenever I spot something funny. It's purely genetic.

I bid you goodbye.

p.s. Sorry if my posts leave you jerking. I've lost the knowledge of 'structure when constructing essays' which is why I write like an electrified wabbit.

Tuesdays at Home

2009-12-23T00:18:00.000+08:00

Hey yo I shot hoops with my sister and father todayh :D

Hahaha at an arcade, mind you, lest you start singing hallelujah over the apparent thought of me taking up a form of an exercise regime xD It did tire my arm somewhat, I played 6 games in total, 3 shared, 3 personal. It was so fun! I didn't manage to get to the second stage but let us stay on the bright side now now n__n

Basketball might not be so bad. Save for the whole walking and bouncing thing, and passing. Gawd, passing really isn't my thing. An incident in high school involving my elbow and an Ashwathy grabbing her head in pain left me traumatised (and probably Ash as well)

Lolcat! xD

Speaking of cats, yesterday I went for a walk in the evening with my dad and my two sisters and the cat (Katherine Opal Mew Mew Prusten, the cat for short) followed us!

She scampered after us, looking rather like an overjoyed mad scientist after resurrecting Frankenstein's monster. Her lovely grey coat of fur just stands all up, electrocuted-like, when she's out and about. She does it to warn people not to touch her, the diva. When we were crossing the roads she gave us this big intense stare and when we reached the other side she gave a bit of a mad, skittery jump and then crossed the two roads all by herself! And she looked both ways.

Smartypaws.

19th December 2009

2009-12-20T22:06:00.000+08:00

I spent Saturday being a rigid body, up until my dad actually asked me if DID intend to go to the curve.

Apparently he was to send me.

I'm not sure how it happened. Oh thank heavens there were no need for tears!

My parents are weird when it comes to transport/appointment commitments. Haih.

Well I went to MPH and searched the place like mad while trying not to look too obvious that I was looking for a BOY instead of a BOOK which happens to be the norm when you enter a bookshop. The only memory of this MPH I had was the night of the worldwide release of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, when I went to the curve specifically to retrieve my booked copy in its lovely orange paper bag.

I could find him not at any nook or cranny. I eyeballed the cashier counter thrice.

And then I went back to the front of the store to find him arranging books at the front shelf and glancing at me sheepishly. He saw me and let me run around the shop like a loose baby unicorn searching for its mother HUNH.

There was this funny moment where I was sitting and talking to Raimi about books when suddenly this skinny black-clad figure came into our shelf row and stood there for a long time, not uttering one word. And I sat there, suddenly stunned into silence, wondering "why the heck is this heeled working lady in black not going away gaddamit??"

And then I heard Raimi look up and say "Oh, it's you"

And I was all, "heh raimi knows a chinese working lady?" in my head.

Then I looked up and it was teh penguin xDDD

Anyhoo I had so much fun talking with Louisa I only took one film photo of HER and that was it for the night xD laughing is so much better than photography =P

We seem to hipbump each other a lot by accident when walking side by side. Boulders from hell residue still active, I suppose.

=)

The older man =P

2009-12-19T19:13:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday Raimi!! =)

Here's to a lovely year ahead for you and for me,

becaaaaaause!

we're thaaaaaaa

BEST!

from your best friend,
ellakokonat

For Ami xD

2009-12-18T20:55:00.000+08:00

What are feelings without emotion?

2009-12-18T17:21:00.000+08:00

I am loving La Roux's songs waaaaay too much :D

it's like Kylie Minogue's supercatchy dance hits, with more meaningful lyrics. Take my word for this, but I mean no insult as I adore Kylie xD

Give the band a listen and you'll get a thrill for the rest of the day. I saw the videos for In For the Kill and I'm Not Your Toy on MTV --surprisingly I still land on that channel every three months or so-- and thought they were brilliant. I'm Not Your Toy made me giggle.

Here it is for you, save ya the hassle of typing and clicking for youtube ;)

What happens should you get locked inside a building at night?

2009-12-16T18:34:00.000+08:00

Day 6 aka last Proton Project Day

Must remind self to post I love you message on Janice's wall tonight =)

I will certainly miss those cuckooheads. It's profoundly nice to be around
people your age who like to goof around and yet know how to be courteous and
smiling when situation requires it. Thanks Janice, Sherise, Suan Yin, Aslam,
Zaid for somehow ending up my partners in the proton project. I liked having
you kids to work with =P It was a grand, slightly pervertish experience
working with ya'll, especially you, Zaid. You are the most fhilarious dude
I've met so far this year xD not that was not a typo btw ;)

So we came back from proton at around 12.45pm, stomachs growling, and said our goodbyes.

I then met raimi for a quick lunch, bless the boy for coming this wednesday,
I've missed him so. Mula2 we had to pusing2 sebab I didn't know where there
was a nice restaurant to eat at in alam megah, and it was already 1.30pm
when we arrived at one. We had to wait a while for the next tong of rice, so
Raimi and I decided to eat curry mee and mee hoon soup respectively. I don't
quite remember what our chat was about, other than me taking sips of his
sirap bandung surreptitiously and him commenting that I always end up
wanting what he gets and then I countered by saying "but it's a girly drink!
it's pink! YOU should be ordering teh ais, not me!" xD I have such a fun
time bantering with him.

As it were, that evening I went back home quite late, abah was stuck in a
jam somewhere. It was 7 post meridiem when I ventured out of the office to
leave, the ground was awash with gloomy grey tears and the sky threw
lightning tantrums every 5 seconds, thundering this already fast-beating
heart of mine into racing speeds. I was stuck in the hallway of the
cafeteria, alone in the dark expanse of the corridor and desperately jabbing
my index finger onto the wall-imbedded fingerprint scanner repeatedly only
to be told by a monotonous robotic voice "user not authorised". The glass
doors silently continued refusing to slide open and grant me my escape. I
could imagine them silently reverberating in their natural frequency,
mocking me with their glassy molecular laughter T.T "HAHAHA you humans made
me with such glee and now I control whether you get to go out into the world
or die here in the dark and get dragged into a blackhole by phantoms!!!"

To heighten my panic, the small door by the side of the stairs didn't let me out either.
A plaque atop the door just obnoxiously read "No exit from 8.00am to 6.30pm"
but no matter how much I poked my finer onto the scanner it just WOULDN'T let me out.
Just as I was contemplating whether to go back upstairs to the first floor
and ask a colleague the correct procedure on getting the hell out of there
(every building starts to look creepy at night okay, don't blame me for
being a little jittery) and risk looking like a fool (as I'd instructed Boon
Hui earlier like a smart ass lah kononnya), the door at the other side of
the corridor was pushed open, a stream of light fell into the corridor and
mild chatter was heard and four shadows fell across the floor.

For one split second I entertained the thought of a croaking note splitting the
quiet air and the shadows would start to creep across the door and leave trails of
bloody gunk behind...

But then I heard English. Sweet English being spoken by real --not disembodied-- voices.

Oh, yes lord,

people! PEOPLE, I AM SAVED! They walked towards my station by the scanner by
the glass doors, a Japanese man holding the lead. Hoping the slightly
terrified/manic expression on my face wasn't too obvious in the dim light, I
volunteered a smile and a tentative "hi, sorry but I can't seem to get the
doors to open"

The japanese man smiled nicely and said he thought he could help me do just
that, and went to the small door by the side and swiped his CARD slightly
above the fingerprint scanner, where a small round sensor beeped and
released the door's lock.

I walked out into the murky evening light, and thanked God for making nice
people. Nasib baik bukan pakcik melayu tua who would've laughed at me and
then contrary to logic would probably have asked me out for a coffee, after
insulting me T.T

Thankfully I wasn't scarred by this ordeal.

At night I went out for dinner with my family, since my mother was outstation and
thus homecooked food was out of the question. In the car,
I lamented inside my heart on the lack of a sunroof in our estima.
My siblings and I have a slight obsession with sunroofs, we just really love to stick our heads
out of the car and feel the sun and wind, especially when going around the towering durian
tree-filled forest hills of Balik Pulau in Penang.

Coming back I mopped the floor and cleaned dishes like a maniac till 11.10pm and
then made ginger water for myself due to a monstrous stomachache.
I wanted to blame the tomyam, but I just loved the dish too much to forsake it =P
Tossed and turned till 1.30am before finally drifting into sleep.

Funnily enough, I dreamt that I went to mph to look for raimi.

And he smiled, looking slightly embarrassed when he saw me =)

I really want to do just that, go to the curve and just surprise him.

Fhotness

2009-12-15T19:04:00.000+08:00

Second to last day of proton project aka Day 5

aww Janice totally hit on me today xD

FHOT is the new hot. and FHUNGRY is the new hungry.

That moment when Zaid sat on Aslam's lap and caressed his own leg upwards
like a stripper showing off her leg was HILARIO.

Aww I'll miss these kids, tomorrow will probably be the last time I shall
see them since tomorrow is the last day for the foetal stage of the proton
project. Thankfully there's always facebook to ensure that I don't ever lose
contact with them, but it will not be quite the same as working and hanging
out with them.

I had a brainblast about doing two video/commercials about driving safely on
the road today. Yeah, I concoct videos in my head during my free time.

Phobia/Nostalgia

2009-12-14T16:05:00.000+08:00

Day 4

Well I was given the task of calling people today! How… exciting. Did I mention that I once had a rather chronic phobia of phoning people? Once upon a time not so long ago, the thought of dialing my classmate’s number had me perspiring and I would shift agitatedly as I held the receiver to my ear and waited for the other person (or God forbid, her father or mother T.T) to pick up the call. Sweating and bile rising in my throat, I’d quickly make my intentions known and with a curt hello to precede the agenda and an even more curt bye bye, I’d hang up.

I wasn’t really much of a popular friend among my classmates, especially homework-asking-wise and chitchatting-gossip-wise.

It’s only in the company of certain people that I am able to blab passionately on the phone with. Take Siti Safi, for instance. I somehow was very comfortable with bugging her on the evenings after school, either singing Michelle Branch songs to get her attention on voicemail and just discussing magazine articles on various celebrities and their latest albums/movies. We shared a love for Lizzie McGuire, Stacie Orrico, and Evanescence. We changed lyrics to suit our humour and fell of our chairs singing “Stuck on Chair”. It was easy to fall into that friendship. I remember being even unashamed enough to beg her for an Avril Lavigne poster that I coveted but did not possess. This closeness was probably the result of sitting next to her in class after lovely Frieza left for boarding school. She saved me somewhat, Safi did. She was a very dear friend and I still consider her one till today, though we may have gone different ways after form one.

And of course, as time progressed and Safi left us for longer periods of time for tournaments and the likes, the chair distances between mine and a certain Lee Pernee began to diminish. Soon the strange yet bizarrely addictive horsey and birdy conversations and coloured-pen-on-hand art attacks begin warming me up into calling the Pernee. These mobile conversations seem to occur often when I was dragged kicking and screaming to various boring neighbouring parties and tête-à-têtes by my family. I had virtually nobody my age around in those functions, and thus I would extricate myself (sometimes not so discreetly and on occasion, with loud huffs and permanent angry emoticon face) and trudge off to a neighbourhood park. I’d make my way through puddles in the grass in lurching motions –not unlike a certain character in The Addams Family- and scout for a bench to sit on. And there I’d call Louisa, perched on a soggy bench surrounded by muddy puddles, on my own little island, and we would commence the talk about marvelously silly things.

Time moved on and Louisa now resides on the other side of the city and will soon wing-flap her way to USA in August. Now I’ve found Raimi, not to replace Lou but to accompany me while she is gone =) He relays to me information about lenses, money and job opportunities, and tells me of God and the prophet and battles and temptation, and speaks of family and traveling to places like Legoland in Denmark and the castles in Scotland and their cliffs to glimpse dolphins’ jumps breaking the blue surface. Listening to him talk always transfixes me, and I am sure to fire more curiosity-burned questions at him.

I am a complete introvert, but once you unlock the secret passageway to my blabbing box you can never again look back to a peaceful life hahaha =)

Coming back to work (I have a very very bad habit of digressing through reminiscing): I had to call a few numbers, impersonating a non-existent woman named Nikki! Or perhaps she did exist within the walls of the sales office, and then got her pretty self fired. Wahahhaaha. I suppose they retained her name so as to not confuse the customers. Sharp Roxy Sales (the place I now am officially an employee of, I have the swipe card with my name on it AND fingerprint access to the building to prove it mwaha) are releasing a new product in their latest line of photocopy machines, and the brochures are being sent out to the dealers (customers) but a name of a person-in-charge was needed so as to guarantee the mail doesn’t end up unread and taken as literal spam and ends up in the bin.

I had only been given excel work and plotting maps so far, so naturally upon first hearing it, this sudden task seemed daunting to me. Note the phobia mentioned at the very beginning.

Strangers + telephone + talking in a coherent pleasant manner + Ella = Sweating disaster

And sometimes a little bit of stammering, D’Arvit.

When I call MARA and have to speak in skema bahasa melayu is probably the best example of a conversation I despise. It’s not that I am scared of them, I am just paranoid about sounding like a foreigner and also being treated like a lowlife money-sucking leech. But most of the time I need not even worry about sounding like a leech because I never get connected to the directors. Basically this is due to the world renowned fact that Malaysian government officials are largely incompetent and unorganized. Once I asked a clerk for a director of scholarships and the answer she gave me was a very unhelpful plus pissing off “Dek, saya tak tau lah dia ada ke tak. Offis dia tingkat 13, saya dekat tingkat 3”.

As if she wasn’t talking on a phone connected to the rest of the building. As if she couldn’t email someone to ask of the director’s presence in the office.

As if knowledge of a person’s attendance was limited by stairs and the ability to see that person with your own eyeballs.

Chuh.

But surprise surprise, I wasn’t all that nervous about the phone calls today. The knowledge that I’ve come to work and did everything competently and met and greeted people in a civilized manner made me realize that I can probably do this, no problem. Impersonating a fictitious, imaginary telemarketer? An actor’s exercise, bring it on.

I dialed the number and prepared to face all these syarikat people.

And it turned out to be hilarious =]

The first few calls were incident-free, there were some that were mini-mayhems.

Lady: *very bising background* Helllo awak cakap melayu ka?

Me: okay boleh. Saya Ms Nikki dari sharp Roxy, kami ingin hantar brochur

Lady: Haa? Awak mahu hantar balang ah?

Me: Taaak tak, saya nak hantar brochur, ada promosi

Lady: Eh awak Sharp ah?

Me: Ye ye

Lady: Awak bukan patut hantar TV ke sini ke hali ini?

Me: Bukaaan bukan, saya nak mintak nama orang in-charge, sebab nak post surat brochur ini untuk mesin fotostat, TV itu bahagian lain

Lady: *finally quiet a bit*

Me: Boleh bagi saya name orang in-charge

Lady: *finally gives me the name*

Another one:

Me: Hello good evening I’m ms nikki from sharp roxy. Our company is going to mail you a brochure about our latest photocopy machine

Man: excuse me? *crackly line*

Me: We are sending you a brochure, there is a promotion

Man: You want what ah?

Me: Our company has the latest photocopy machine

Man: Oh sorry ah our company don’t sell photocopy machine

Me: T.T

So embarrassing:

Me: Hello good evening this is ms nikki from sharp roxy. Our company is going to mail you a brochure about our latest photocopy machine

Man: Mmhmm.

Me: Can I have the name of the person in charge.

Man: Chi ee owh.

Me:Excuse me? Mr Cho?

Man: Chi ee awwh

Me:Can you spell it for me please

Man: K-O-E

Me: Oh okay, Mr KOH

Man: CHI EEEEE OOOWWWWHH *angry voice*

Me: Oh oh okay Mr Koe (pronounced it Cheo this time) thank you very much

*cries*

I’m pretty sure HE was Mr Koe *hangs head in shame* I of all people know what it’s like to have your name mispronounced repeatedly.

HAHAHA.

And then it was 3.45pm, my job was done and I didn’t have anymore work and since internet is blocked on my pc I resort to writing a journal in Microsoft word =) It’s just like one of those hot days in form one when the teacher didn’t come into class and I’d write an entry in my journal exercise book, siti safiyah humming at my side, Louisa arguing with Kelly in front of us.

I like to cry =/

2009-12-12T01:12:00.000+08:00

It's unnerving how easily my waterworks are activated by:

~children being confident and amazing while performing amazing feats like dancing or getting straight As

~watching whales swimming and splashing their magnificent tails on animal planet

~sunrises

~the lion king and the little mermaid

~actually, the sunrise scene in the lion king. and the sunrise scene in the Geng movie T.T (with upin and ipin)

I'm silly aren't I xD

Long Lost Best Friend

2009-12-11T19:23:00.000+08:00

Nadhirah Mdnoh : I am so happy, jumpy and being extraordinary gleeful! credits to Mikhaella Ismail. Long time no see, friend! You're sooo pretty now! :D

I was so ecstatic to open up my facebook and see a friend request I didn't want to set on fire and feed to a Cerberus (finally) because it was from somebody who was dear to the heart of an eight year old me =) Nadhirah Noh who was the sweetest curly haired girl with the CUTE tomato cheeks and peaches 'n cream complexion!

These were my little people who made me happy once upon a time. I bought apollo sticks for them just because I liked them so much, for a kid, that's a big deal :P

The New Girl

2009-12-11T09:38:00.000+08:00

Day 1 and Day 2

Got a lot of stares and questions, it's odd how the old men seem to express extra interest on moi and whoah more than a little disconcerting. Sibok je. Biarlah orang baru, ko nak tau pehal?

I don't mind the colleague's questions, I just don't want more invitations to have coffee in a cup by long-haired warehouse men T.T



Day 3
I had an email made for me today :D Li Ming did it for me aaaand she asked
if I was local and was I brought up here xD


That never gets old. If I wasn't wearing a hijab I wouldn't be surprised if
she tentatively spoke to me in chinese x)






"Are you local?"
"You can speak bahasa?"
"Were you raised here?"

YES YES YES :D

Confessions of a bookworm who will never be a social butterfly

2009-12-03T17:32:00.000+08:00

Wow I've come to realise that I'm really retarded at socializing.

All right all right I'll be kind to myself. I guess it just isn't part of my genetic make up. Like how not everybody loves Spongebob. I love Spongebob. I don't love socializing. I suppose it's a hobby that most humans have come to take up and I really find that it doesn't suit me. [we will argue about the merits of Mr. Squarepants on a later day, wipe that frown off your face]

At work I've been with this group of 5 kids my age (yes juniors zomg! they're just a year out of school, and some still AT school doing the sixth year and to me school is like the stone ages for gad's sake!) and though they're pretty nice and laugh around a lot, I can't seem to modify myself and adapt and start teasing any of them and be extremely extroverted because oh:

they've been friends since way before this job.

I would feel like an intruder if I started getting too chummy. So I just smiled along and it was okay.

I've grown, I should think. I'm okay with being at peace with myself and looking on and smiling at a world which is not quite like me. No cynical remarks ricocheting within the walls of my cerebrum any longer.

Okay none but one : referring to the couple, the whole hugging your girlfriend in public thing really REALLY makes me want to projectile vomit all over the cafeteria tiles!

I'm still claiming front row on the battle of get-a-room-if-you-wanna-get-all-loveydovey!

Not everyone finds that "sweet". I find it disconcerting and slightly rude, as if the world is yours and my personal space does not exist. Aih cuci mata lah. If I were as I was two years ago I would have shot you with a toilet plunger, archery style. But now I have a slightly more open mind and just lower my eyes and gaze at the floor and pray you find it in you to act like a muslim even though your other half literally isn't. I mean this sincerely. They were actually nice so I'm not filled with venom regarding this, just a bit sad.

Now that is all.

I'm off to go find a book to cozy myself into.

Bangga tak bertempat sure feels good!

2009-11-21T18:37:00.001+08:00

a student checking his friend's new IC

I'm terrified of my own inability to control my emotions, tears threatened to escape my eyes the day I accompanied my sister to take her UPSR results. It was literally a battle for me to suck it back in, breathe in and out calmly and look normal while brave little kids strutted up and down the makeshift hallway to receive their results which were announced quite loudly by the principal. There was a crackling tension of nerves and anticipation in the air, and every time somebody got straight As the applause would heighten so as to break my eardrums. Somewhere inside me there was a need to prepare my face should my sister not get the results she so wanted, and panic was present and it threw me off balance and I knew that even if my tough nut Sella shows no sadness, I'd be heartbroken. I was already crying inside for the small crumpled little faces of those who didn't make it. Well heck, usually I'd be mean and say "duh, you get what you put in" but they all had faces which didn't betray their true lazy selves, they were all shining with innocence and hope.

But ah finally the principal paused and mentioned a Nur and an M came after it and he pronounced "lima A!" I was overcome with happiness, tears flooded my eyeslits and my cornea was covered with a relatively thick film of saltwater. I whooped and cheered and clapped and hoped that nobody noticed the weird girl clad in all-grey garb with the huge black camera having an episode.

I am very happy because my sister is a hard worker and she deserves this small chunk of academic-inspired happiness to seal her childhood. She may seem quiet and remote and cranky at home but after observing her with her gaggle of friends at school I am struck by her warm laughter and reassuring composure. She's a real person and a wonderful one at that, I am sure.

I just hope she shall see me as a friend one day =) for now I am labeled as the older sister. Ahha apparently her friend Jasmine S said I looked 'kurus' so that's a complimentary bonus xD

Sent off angah and aunty tipah at noon. Hajj, I hope I get to you soon enough myself.

foolish and old,
Elles xxx

Berbahasa itu tidak salah

2009-11-14T17:13:00.000+08:00

*Keluhan* saya kena lipat baju.

Saya kena sapu dan mop lantai, kemas dapur, lap kaunter, basuh baju guna tangan dan melaksanakan kerja rumah lain yang bertimbun-timbun, panjangnya tak sampai nak tertulis. Malam ni kena tolong mak masak lagi.

Tapi bab-bab memasak ni saya tak komplen banyak sangat sebab saya sangat suka memasak :D

Pelik kan. Bertahun-tahun dah saya dengan bangganya memikul gelaran "anak dara malas" tapi lepas cuba masak sikit tersuka la pulak. Bila potong bawang je terus rasa bahagia sampai ternangis-nangis :P

Penat tu memang takleh lari lah. Tapi takpe, sebab sayang + kesian mak takde pembantu rumah, sementara waktu ni berdiam diri sahajalah dan buat seperti anak mithali dah solehah xD Kemungkinan besar juga saya lagi suka duduk rumah buat kerja dari dok pecah kepala fikirkan fizik mahupun dinamik.

Bahasa saya mungkin kedengaran agak kekok mahupun dekat macam orang india atau indon yang membebel, jadi maaf jika saya menyebabkan perut anda pecah tergelak membaca entri ini.

Entahlah. Tiba-tiba rasa macam nak tulis dalam melayu. Dah lama tak tulis karangan. BM saya A1 dulu, saya pun rasa kertas saya tertukar dengan orang lain punya.

Taknak main rojak. Boleh je kalau nak hentam english campur melayu tapi... memang bahasa baku itu indah, apa salahnya =)

After the horrors that are math and physics, this will cheer you up =) It sure worked on me!

2009-11-04T16:04:00.000+08:00

Tingles up my spine

2009-11-03T08:00:00.000+08:00

ohgawawwwwwd I can't stop snorting out mucus.

Yes it's been so cold these days. It's chill to the bone. And I'm not so quick to place the blame on the weather, something's been creeping around that's sending health and spirit far far away.

Perhaps it's Dementors.

Oh yeah. Suck my soul out please? It would be merciful if you should take me now, rather than later when results come out.

I'm beginning to be serious about the fact that I'm not at all book smart. There is nothing in there that makes sense to me.

MUSIC! St vincent's The Strangers seems fitting at the moment. "Paint the blackhole blacker". Yes.

This girl

2009-10-29T20:24:00.000+08:00

wonders whether these masks will ever be taken off. I met you yesterday, and felt like asking if your day, your week was all right, was it beautiful, did anybody make you cry, did anybody make you laugh? I wonder if you know I have a picture of you I look at every other day; wondering what you thought of when you stared out into the open space, brows furrowed, but your breathing calm. And yet we said our hellos, and then turned away to do our little tasks, sealing each other off with towering walls of indifference.

Sometimes I long to know what you keep inside your heart, because I think it may reflect what is in mine.

Have you ever trusted a stranger? Because they can sometimes be the person you miss most, five years later.

Feed Her to the Dogs

2009-10-24T01:23:00.000+08:00

Lady Gaga is a monstrosity, packaging herself to be a pop sensation with frilly bows of quirky fashion, when in fact lies an insidious, salacious message within her songs and lyrics, these things that creeps into our subconscious. Paparazzi and Love Game make our heads and bodies bop to the oh-so-catchy beat and makes the tamed ones among us hum along, all the while making us feel that yes, talking about malicious flirting and random sex is acceptable when it is burrowed deep within a lovely electronic tune.

I don’t want kids to listen to this. And sure most of you will be saying I am an incredible prude, but guess what, I’m far from it; but this, THIS is not public content. There should be censorship on radios because it falls on ears of all ages. How is it appropriate for a child to listening to these lyrics:

“I’m on a mission

And it involves some heavy touching, yeah

You’ve indicated your interest, I’m educated in sex, yes

And now I want it bad, want it bad”

The lyrics are fervent and obvious. I am still appalled when I come upon her videos. She is wearing nothing and gyrating her hips in a video, NOTHING about her is ladylike and yet why is she famed as LADY gaga? No wonder people think she is a man.

Catchy? Yes.

But I’m one those people who believe she chose a concept that is going to change the world, and in my view, it’s not in a positive way. If we’re all leisurely watching music videos with people practically having sex on a bed now because it’s a love song, how soon will it be that our minds will be brainwashed that orgies are fun and harmless and are perfectly good mtv content if they have a nice beat going on in the background?

"The downgrading and desecration of art on all levels can be seen as a means of turning the clarity of the collective consciousness into mere noise and blur." comment by reader Charles Deckert on article of Lady Gaga symbolism link

The rappers started it, with the shameless bikini girls giving themselves up to muscled oily men with money and bling, but lady gaga, well. She’s a woman in appearance, but I do not fall for her act, she does not know the meaning of self-respect. The Fame, is indeed what she is in for. And even more darkly, I think she is going to conquer the world. Do not underestimate the power of music and the subconscious mind. Where have our modesty and civilized ways gone?

Alhamdulillah

2009-10-06T23:47:00.000+08:00

Thank you Allah.

Please, I pray, don't stop healing us all.

The blue ballet

2009-09-01T20:51:00.000+08:00

by ella

when it was cold and lovely

2009-08-23T10:45:00.000+08:00

hands =]

That morning, I was walking along the Sunway college stretch to the bus stop and felt the wind caressing my face and it just occurred to me how rare calm days like these sweep me in its quiet. The last week had been another minor nightmare, looking at the Dynamics tutorial sheet and realising I just don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Sleepless night on Friday, bouts of turning and tossing with my tired eyes wide open. This even after the typing fest of Materials was over. Frightened me quite a bit. I'm a good sleeper. I know something is wrong when I fail to slumber. Biya's cooking comforted me though =) Had a sleepover where we watched the musical episode of scrubs.

This was while waiting for monsieur Raimi to come over with his car. Rain is always beautiful.

May this Ramadhan be my new start. I'm turning 18 in this month, I hope it will be a blessing.

Have a good week everyone =)

Let's bomb the whole fucking world

2009-07-27T19:11:00.001+08:00

I'm tired of people who make me look like an asshole.

Microbiotic SocioPolitical Issues

2009-07-24T10:17:00.000+08:00

Microbiotic solely to localise my area of speech, which today happens to be college and university.

It is a tremendous sadness that is made tangible in a student's heart when a teacher of theirs speaks of them in a negative light to others. Sometimes I wonder if they even thought of our feelings as real human beings, or are we mere puppets being led in a dance by them, the higher forces?

Students have feelings, we have aspirations, and to garner such disapprove and thinly veiled insults from someone we hold high in our books is not encouraging at all to our efforts, and may even stop us from going far. As leaders surely we will make mistakes, and we look for guidance and kindness, not expecting insults thrown into our faces by our juniors, it feels like a bleeding stab in the back.

Cikgu, jangan buat kitorang macam ni boleh tak?

Sigh.

And then there is another restless boat which nudges the harbour where my heart rests. I wish Islam was not a separate entity in this private university I attend. How is it that you make a home here in our soil and not give that respect we deserve for Friday prayers? Classes and exams on a Friday at 1.30pm is unheard of here. I am not spreading vicious connotations regarding the handling of this issue, I just want to cast light upon how lightly it is being taken. Back in sunway college under the kind (albeit Draconian most of the other time) eyes of Puan Norli was an entirely different story. She really looked out for us, listening to our problems and offering such simple, logical solutions without insinuating anything that might bring about emotional retaliations. It simply is about being professional and having the heart and making the time to listen to others' needs.

Perhaps next semester will be better. Things aren't looking bright for this term.

HAPPY HAPPY VIDEO = HAPPY HAPPY ELLA

2009-06-29T08:25:00.000+08:00

by Katrina (littlesilverboxes)

one of my favourite photographers from flickr

watch this! it's one of those insta-cheer concoctions guaranteed to carve a smile on your face =D unless you have a pole up your bottom, of course =P then I'm sorry to say you're one of those who will die angry and cynical bahahaha.

Confuciusion

2009-06-25T23:00:00.000+08:00

I have a heaviness weighing on my heart.

And my arms are too fat.

I do not like not being your closest friend. It feels natural that you should find people who you are more at ease with, but it still doesn't hurt any less.

Those three sentences are caused by different people.

Thank you.

Thinly Veiled Disgust

2009-06-25T14:40:00.000+08:00

"Wow! I feel happy because i always so scare when i publish sexy picture. Some people can be so bad some time... but i think i not doing bad if i like to have some picture sexy a bit...

You very very kind, thank you!!!

Namtippp :-)

I take shower now and then go working... see you later! "

I was browsing flickr today and while looking through a fashion group, I found this Thai girl's stream and guess what, for each and every crap picture she uploads of herself, there are 99 comments that follow.

Which just goes to show how much sincere compliments you will get when you reveal your bits and bobs with barely-there-cloth.

Honey, even by just scanning through your English I can measure the size of your cerebrum, so with all due kindness, I would advise you to please not fall head-over-heels in delight for those "oooh you are not trashy sexy, but beautiful sexy!" exclamations, because, quite frankly, they are just trying to rope you into showing more skin. They enjoy the sport of cheering you with common adulation, all to see you embarrassing your own self, and leading you on with senseless commendation, gleefully witnessing the loss of your own virtue. You are the butt of the joke with your poor, broken English!! I can just imagine those earnest-sounding white guys chortling on their fat bums as they type another compliment on your latest upload, all the while drooling at your 'exotic' 'beauty'.

Though I do believe you might not understand the complexity of this next sentence, let me try anyhow.

SKIN is NOT FASHION.

The public display of your boobies does not account for any artistic form of self-expression.
At least if you have such low self-esteem and yearn for praises from all forms of dirtbags across cyberspace, be honest about it. Don't pretend to be an innocent thai girl, tell it like it is.

I would suggest putting the exclamation "I'm a slut and proud of it" on your profile, at least you won't throw people like me into fits of vomiting all over my beloved laptop.

An interesting facebook conversation between Hafiz and I

2009-06-19T16:10:00.000+08:00

Hafiz's something about yourself box : Italian BMT.

Mikhaella Ismail :
what, italian bmt the subway sandwich? xD it is YUM!

Muhammad Hafiz :
Oh yes, oh yes it is!

Now I feel like having that for lunch tomorrow.

Mikhaella Ismail:

what are your favourite sauces and dressings? I'm still trying to figure out the best combination.

Muhammad Hafiz:
...
"Hold the cucumbers!"
"Sauces, sir?"
"Mustard and chilli please"

*orders Club/Roast Beef/Steak n' Cheese*
"...and BBQ sauce too"

I could assume that you would say 'everything' when you order a sub. Haha

Mikhaella Ismail:
oh nooooes. Raimi is the one who says 'everything'! I'm a wee bit pickier. No, scratch that, I'm waaaaaay "cerewet" when it comes to food =)

is the chili just normal chili sauce? I SHOULD put mustard in zomg!

Muhammad Hafiz:
They use fresh chillies imported from Mexico and India. That's why you can only get them at Subway...

...how abnormal can the chili sauce be? Haha.

And you've never tried teh Mustardz before?!

Mikhaella Ismail:
mustard is one of the rare things I've hardly tried but I have a feeling I'm going to be addicted to it once I start.

I dunno. Actually, ordering a subway sandwich always feels like a test to me, imaginary sweat start forming on my forehead, and I'm peer pressured into saying the first few sauces I see with my eyes! And unfortunately the mustard bottle has twice evaded my gaze. I'm a subway noob. But there's a first for everything, right? =]

laaaaaa nobody told me! I thought they use maggi chili sauce!!! xDDDD *terbahak2*

Muhammad Hafiz:
Actually, people like you are the ones that hold the queue. Aha. No offence (:

No worries, you'll get used to the Subs once it becomes a norm. The best is go as a group, so you can reeaalllyyy take your time.

The only reason I ask for mustard is because it comes with the hot dogs at Ikea. Haha

Mikhaella Ismail:
*excited that someone recognises me* I always hold the queue!! See, picky eater, fickle-minded, inconsiderate b***h, it's ME they're cursing all along xD

None taken then ;D

we should go eat subway after the big Transformers outing.

About the Author

2009-06-11T13:45:00.000+08:00

I figured I could throw in random trivia about me (weeheehoo surprise surprise, something about ella. on ella's blog) since I am bored and this blog is in its infancy stage and the people who come here might want to know what I'm all about (no don't tell me the contrary, you twat, why else would you be doing here??) Anyhoo. Sorry for the hostility. Shall we get started? *sweetly*

About the Author
Mikhaella is incredibly prone to changes in mood. Her temperament is such in its swinging whim that it is severely frightening to encounter. Her friends have remarked how fast she moves from a high to a low, from jubilance to depression, from ecstatic to tearful, from grim and murderous devil to a gentle, kind, hug-spreading cuddly bear. The trick is to listen. She is only complex up until she pours out her heart, her reasons, and her tears. And then she becomes Mikhaella once again.

Mikhaella dips her french fries into vanilla sundaes. She claims that it makes 'em taste heavenly. The mixture of hot salty chips blended in with ice cold, creamy pure vanilla goodness, makes her fly. She has done it ever since she started eating McDonalds. Which was when she graduated from her milk bottle, she thinks.

Mikhaella used, USED to be a smart kid. First in class, all that jazz. "Pictures of a pudgy, height-challenged me (hey wait a minute) getting trophies fill the albums of my childhood" she says, and I quote. "Once I morphed into a teenager though, I discovered I wanted different things. I realised that being smart doesn't make you a good person. At all. Academics still intrigue and interest me, but only up to a certain level. Sometimes I'm not sure whether I've just become lazy or the cold hard world of facts really does hinder my potential. I am a humanist. I am more driven to dissect the thoughts in your head rather than to figure out the puzzles of the universe. I am no Galileo" (eheh, all of that crap might just amount to the excuse of Mikhaella truly being a lazy arse, you decide)

Mikhaella eats spicy food even when she is afflicted with terrible health "Honestly, I DO feel guilty while reaching out for sambal belacan, for fear that.. Fara don't smack my hand! It's not my fault, my tongue craaaaaaves it!"

Mikhaella is terrified of the thought of change in the people she most cares for. She is direly afraid they will one day change for 'the better' and decide that she is not a good person to hang on to, and hence, be unceremoniously let go of by those people.

Yes. KFC cheesy wedges make Mikhaella one happy girl xD

Mikhaella has an incurable medical condition. But no worries, it's not contagious in any conceivable way. She understands human behaviour and knows most of you are self-absorbed and that would be the first question you'd ask.

Mikhaella has another incurable disease. It's called pseudo-stalking. Not so much the midnight peeks through your window or tracing your shadow while walking quietly behind the dark towering trees, but the need to know what kind of person you are, what makes you tick, and how you like to spend your time. It's a damned trait that will one day break her own heart.

A few of Mikhaella's favourite authors are Anne Tyler for her heartwarmingly accurate portrayals of families in society, Marian Keyes for being acutely funny yet emotionally accurate in telling the complex love lives of her leading ladies, Eoin Colfer for making her laugh until her bowels flip inside out, and JK Rowling for constructing the most enjoyable, thrilling, charming, and tangible story of the boy who lived, who was part of her growing years, and who she will never forget as being the best storyteller of her time. She has more, but cannot be bothered to remember currently.

Mikhaella lives in an ice cavern which she continually shatters by attempting to sing notes that are too high for her vocal range. She has two imaginary guinea pigs and a spork to stab anybody who dares to disagree with her about their existence.

Ngaaaaaaaa Awesome Kitty!

2009-06-11T02:22:00.000+08:00

Ah the wonders of being small

2009-06-09T19:34:00.000+08:00

Midsummer Nights Dream

2009-06-07T16:28:00.000+08:00

Midsummer Nights Dream Tutu Tutorial!!!!

Ignore this =] I'm just linking this so I can make a tutu for my sister when I have time, for a themed photoshoot

Seashores

2009-06-03T20:34:00.000+08:00

I had a rather pleasant dream last night. Which is a welcome change considering how many Miss-Tan-telling-me-I'll-crack-with-the-burden-of-sophisticated-kinematic-problems-once-I-get-to-Monash fraught nightmares I've been getting since last Wednesday. The bloody paper has been over for 6 days now and my subconscious still hasn't forgotten the terror as of yet. And it's not so much the terror of not doing well or failing. It was the terror of never being good enough. And funnily my mind tends to associate being a good, warm, functional human being to having a high distinction for advanced mathematics, regardless of the contrary evidence that proves otherwise *cough cough* But it's my right to worry, I can't help it. I'm taking engineering.

But anyways, last moon's spell upon my sleeping brainwaves. Well, last half-moon, if you noticed it winking yesterday night. I did. I was walking home from taa'lim at Audi 2 after asking brother Diyaa' about whether Osama bin Laden's existence was made up or genuine, but anyway enough of this digression!

I had a beautiful dream.

I was with Biya, and we were students (haha as if we aren't now). I dreamt that we were sharing a chalet-type apartment overlooking the beach and oh my goodness was it the best beach I have ever seen (along with the iceberg-tipped frozen seascape at sunrise that I dreamt about once, but that was lightyears ago). But this one was Mediterranean-looking, all gorgeous deep green and blue hues with sunshine spread across the splashing surfaces like butter on bread. And there were these jagged rocks breaking the surface of the waters, they were near the shores and they acted like a line of cliffs that kept the water from the sandy beach. And this was the amazing thing, even in my dream I could feel my eyes bulge as I witnessed this one-of-a-kind tiered seashore. Every ten seconds or so the waves would get over the jagged rocks and stream down to the beach below, creating this wonderfully calm little cove. It was a dream.

Too bad I mean that literally. I want to go there. And swim in the small cove and let the strong beach sun lift me out of this college gloom.

Holidays coming. Need. Movies.

2009-05-31T20:50:00.000+08:00

Finding Neverland
Moulin Rouge
Scream (1,2 and 3)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Lion King

... more will be added on as I remember.

Any suggestions o' kind people?

Apostrophe

2009-05-10T12:08:00.000+08:00

These are Random Murmurs

First
I really don't like it when I come upon an utterly bright and cheery store filled with a plethora of charming knick-knacks and toys, and decide to bring my little sisters in for a look, only to find a few really bitter salesladies who look as if they just bit into a particularly sour lemon (or possibly just lost the love of their lives), glaring at me as if I have just ruined their moment of privacy. Darling dears, it's a shop. You're supposed to have people coming in at all random times. Honestly, let me give you some advice. You shall never ever sell more than ten items before you receive your letter of firement (this is NOT a real word, mind you, just an olde inside joke the penguin and I conjured way back when we were in form 2), if you continue this act of shunning customers who stumble upon your shop.

Second
Sometimes I really feel sorry for us.
The transition, this rite of passage to adulthood, really strains us from what I observe. Though I am one of you I've always had the power to extract myself and be an observer to our days. Looking at how we live, and struggle to survive in an unforgiving society where you must break your bones and squeeze out your brain matter to get that "success", of being a person with a degree. Get that High Distinction, sleep at 4am to craft the perfect final copy of an assignment, being miles away from family, crying selves to sleep, not being ABLE to goddamn sleep, getting heatstrokes and gargantuan migraines and debilitating flus and having no one to take care of us.

It breaks my heart.

But we are strong enough. Because soon our elders will die, and we become the adults. Harsh, but when is reality ever kind and sweet?

And because of this, we have to make ourselves survive

Pretty Happy Faces. Strangers but Friends for a Day.

2009-04-19T11:49:00.000+08:00

Raimi

2009-04-19T00:02:00.000+08:00

A Weekend at Camp Perah - my clean report to Ustazah xD

2009-04-03T17:49:00.001+08:00

20th March 2009

It was chaos as we finished our Math topic test and scrambled to the surau to perform Asar Prayers, with only about 10 minutes to spare before the bus came. We collected our hefty luggage and sleeping bags immediately afterwards. Lugging the whole load down to the foyer, we waited for the bus and discussed about the busy state of the past week, with so many assignments and tests happening at the same time. However most of us were incredibly excited that we were finally leaving for camp because it was such a long time since we’ve had a break. It was my first time going for a real camp, so it was especially exciting for me (ahahaha. I remember writing a funny post on my old blog concerning reasons why I can't go camping and the reasons I look forward to it)

We left for Kepong in two buses, and arrived at FRIM’s Kem Perah near 7pm. The air was cool and clean, and the place was quiet, which felt gobsmackingly impossible since it was in the middle of the city. After having dinner, we prayed Maghrib and then set up our tents. With the kind help of the ranger, Fara, Aisyah and I set up our tent in record time. Soon it was time for Isyaa’ prayers. It felt nice to be praying in jamaah because I rarely get the opportunity. Next, all the students were divided into groups for LDK, and were given the task of creating a name, logo and cheer. As a facilitator (faci) for Group 5, I oversaw their progress, and was pleased to witness the birth of the Bim Bim! group. They exhibited very good teamwork and spirit even though they just got to know each other, which made me happy to be around their group. The laughter was infectious and Bim Bim! was loud and proud of their identity.

Soon after, the rangers came to take us on our Night Walk. It was 10p.m. and we were suddenly alerted to the fact that we weren’t allowed to have more than one torchlight with us at a time. We were split into three groups, with the facis scattered among the groups. I went to the front group. Each of us counted our numbers and suddenly I realized that I was at the very back of Group One, with only Raimi behind me. I felt terrified and thought “ah I should’ve gone to the front with the ranger” like all the other girls. I did not anticipate being at the very back with only one person behind me.

The Night Walk was challenging! Other than walking with minimal sources of light and stepping into almost absolute darkness, there were the sounds of the night insects and other night creatures ringing through the forest. I had to learn to trust the people in front of me and not think of anything scary. Hafiz walked in front of me and I had to be careful not to bump or crash into him when my foot hit tree trunks or stones on the ground, causing me to lose my balance. Raimi was unnaturally quiet behind me, so I had to check every now and then to see if he was still behind me or had gotten eaten by a tree trunk. But he had the torchlight with him, so as long as there was light I was reassured that I was not the last person in the line. The night walk allowed me to test my courage and be braver, such as going down the steep hill backwards with only a rope to help me (gawd that was challenging). I also got the experience of seeing nightlife such as kelip-kelip (fireflies) and udang sungai (river prawns). Shahir became very loud at the sight of the river prawns and even though I was at the very back I could hear his voice reverberating in his Terengganu accent, exclaiming at the prawns. At one point, I got to see the famed National Geographic spot, a beautiful formation of leaves grouped together high above us. From my lips escaped the word “MashaAllah” when I saw the river-like formation the tree leaves were forming. It was utterly beautiful. All torchlight beams were off, and there was nothing but Allah’s wonderful creation surrounding me, and at that point I no longer felt scared but thankful that I had gone on the night walk. Soon after we came back, and went to sleep.

21st March 2009
The next morning, after Subuh we were shown a couple of videos that really shook me. One was of Syaitan sleeping next to a man and telling him to sleep through Subuh, and another one was of a popular song. I’d never listened to the lyrics properly and I was shocked to learn it was about death. I didn’t feel sleepy at all, but stared wide-eyed at the videos, and listened intently as Ustazah Yazil gave a short but meaningful talk about Sakaratul Maut.

The next program was jogging. Puan Nora lead us in a little morning exercise and then we were off. I am sorry to say I was quite unfit and was panting halfway through the whole distance. When we came back we had breakfast and continued with another LDK program. The groups had to perform their cheers, some memorable ones were Bim Bim!, of course, and Salahuddin. However in the cheer competition Bim Bim! was caught unawares and were kicked out first.

The highlight of the day was Ustaz Hasrizal’s talk. He spoke well, and managed to hold my attention for the three hour talk. We were all laughing and nodding along because we learnt so many things about our faith and being real muslims. He gave the talk in a funny way, and we were laughing most of the time. I was touched by his stories of positive thinking, and how finding happiness in making something for others can affect the way you feel about your job, like the 3 cement-pavers.

Through the Ustaz’s talk. I also learnt something powerful about faith.

You don't need physical, tangible evidence to know God exists. Faith is about letting go of one's stubbornness and just believing that there is something more powerful out there governing our every move. Faith is making yourself change for the better in order to follow the path that the more powerful has set for us.

It’s like believing in wind. You don't see it, but you feel it. Yes, weather machines are able to detect wind and thus prove its existence, therefore rendering my argument useless. But maybe this is because humans have not been able to create a machine that can detect God's existence. It's our limitation as mere humans, to create something would be beyond our power. That's where faith comes in. If we can't see the wind but feel it, then we have wind. If we can't see Allah but feel Him, then we have Him. Always. It's a choice for every man, to want to believe.

One of the things Ustaz Hasrizal highlighted was that every human needs a purpose in life, in order for them to see the point of life. The world is so temporary, our time in it is so short, that living for worldly things seems like a joke. Otaku, japanese anime and manga obsessed-followers have everything they want, but lack a real purpose in life. They're not able to find that fulfilling sense to what is important, which is why the statistics for Otaku suicide cases is really high.

He brought forward this case of a couple who'd been married for years but not being able to conceive a child, but one day finally were given the gift of a baby. Though at first it seemed that the baby was healthy the couple had to return a few months later because the baby's skin was turning a blueish hue.

He was working at Malaysia's IJN, the National Heart Institute hospital, as a counselor. He told us the baby's heart was inverted, upside down and all veins and arteries were fixed wrongly. The doctors weren't able to do much, even though most technology and specialists were present at the IJN. Of course the parents were devastated.

This ustaz was given the tough task of giving counseling to the parents. The parents were crying out "why does God give us such hard tests, is He playing a cruel joke on us"

At a loss, the ustaz told them "It is not in my position to explain God's plans to you, nor to solve your problem, but only to give you support in your time of need."

In Islam, we acknowledge how everything belongs to God. So Ustaz Hasrizal continues:-

"God is testing your faith in Him, whether you are able to get through this and still believe. Children are lent to you for a period of time, in the end they still go back to Him. While your children are still with you, it is your responsibility to love, nurture and care for them. But it is His choice to take your children away from you. The doctor gave your baby a time period of life left to breathe, but it is an estimation because the doctor does not dictate when God will take away your baby. Your baby might still have months, years left to live, you don't know this. In fact, either of you could die tomorrow, or next week, before your child. You don't know when or where, and it is not your responsibility to find out. Everybody will die. Your responsibility is to love your child while he is still alive. Your responsibility is to spend as much time with him while he is still around, not cry and wait for his death. And by doing this, you will have done your job perfectly"

The parents sat still, letting the truth of this seep in. They brought the baby home and did what they were supposed to do.

We all belong to God. If we don't have him, I don't think the parents would have a chance of survival, but would've let hate consume them. This is why everyone needs God, a picture of what happens outside of this world, a heaven and hell, so that they don't lose hope if something should happen while they're still on Earth.

Personally, my purpose in life is to find a way back to Him. Because I know that there's where I came from, and therefore where I need to go back to.

Ustaz Hasrizal’s talk gave such a big impact upon me and inspires me to be a better person, and a better muslim.

After the talk we had lunch and prayed for Zohor. Later we had an LDK slot, where everyone was blindfolded and told to make a square with a rope while not being able to see anything.

In the evening, we went on a treasure hunt. It was rather hot but I enjoyed it because I got to take a lot of good pictures.

We came back, and prepared for the night. The groups practiced for their performances. When Maghrib came I heard Zul gave the azan. He is a really good muezzin. Once again I felt calmness being at this camp, with fellow classmates and college friends coming together for Islamic purposes. We prayed for Maghrib and continued to Isyaa’.

That night we had a delicious meal of barbecue! I especially enjoyed the nasi goreng that came with it, it was ultra-delicious. Full and content, we went back to the hall and enjoyed the performances by the groups. Imams jumping out windows, rempits disobeying their mothers and getting hit by lorries, and Sakaratul Maut reenactments. All the groups did splendid jobs and managed to instill some good message in their performances. As we waited for the judges to make their decision on the winner, we played Cak Kelicap Kelicap Cap Cap. Because of Izzat the facis didn’t win, but we forgave him.

After that we ate some more and went to sleep.

22nd March 2009
The next morning we woke up as early as 4am to perform Qiamullail. It was a time of reflection and getting closer to Allah, as performed Hajat, Tahajjud, Witir, and Subuh together, led by Zul as the imam. Soon after Subuh prayers we all fell asleep at the hall, sleeping as one jamaah. I guess we were all tired out after sleeping so late and waking up so early.

We ate breakfast when we woke up once again. Everyone took showers then, and soon after we were split into two groups to go for the jungle trekking. Climbing up that hill to 1000 feet above sea level was one of the hardest things I had to do. Luckily, I had two of my good friends who waited for me and encouraged me to keep moving. Aisyah was especially nice, telling me to breathe through my nose and waiting for me when I had to stop to catch my breath. But all the hard work was paid off once we came to the top and went on the canopy walk. The view was unbelievable. It was so amazing that I could see far into KL from up there. The canopy walk was scarily high and made me feel some vertigo, but I kept muttering selawat and felt okay. I even took pictures on the bridge.

As we went on, downwards this time, so no more climbing, we reached the waterfalls. We kept walking down until we reached the bottom and we rested there while eating ice cream and cooling off by splashing in the cold water. I took pictures of my friends, and some of butterflies and spiders. Allah’s amazing nature was everywhere and it felt good to be breathing in unpolluted air.

We continued back towards camp, passing some Malay traditional houses and taking pictures with them. I suddenly noticed Rina was walking with a limp and discovered she had sprained her ankle. I was proud to say that many people stayed behind to help her when she was struggling with her leg, such as Nik, Izzat and Liyana. Rina was also very brave and tried not to show her pain.

When we finally got back to camp, we rested while waiting for the other group to finish. Then, we had lunch and prayed and packed. Everybody worked together to clean up the camp. Soon after that we were all putting out bags in the bus and headed for home. I am very pleased to say that my first camping experience was the most enjoyable thing I have ever experienced, and I’m thankful that Ustazah Yazil organized it as an Islamic studies camp, because the memories I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned here are priceless.

Humanity

2009-03-29T18:20:00.000+08:00

I should have expected the virus that would inadvertently eradicate my precious oral transparency pages, once I couldn't save the file after modifying it on one of the computer lab's main computers. But as it were, I was innocently bubbly and cheerful and jammed my finger onto the 'cancel' save button, only to re-open my Ella Ledger pendrive and clicking my oral folder to discover that only the IFG map was left. I felt like someone just stabbed a spork through my thigh and left me there bleeding.

I'd been on the verge of a nervous breakdown all week, right after coming back half-dead from the camp and not submitting my English Research Project softcopy to turnitin.com on time. Countless attempts at negotiation: pleading with the Ustazah to back me and Aisyah up, meetings with the director of MUFY to make our stand, seeing my lecturer for the second time to let her see that it was not entirely my fault. All of those were nodal lines. My voice didn't even reach the receiver, because deadlines are deadlines. No excuses,no bribery, no turning back the clock. C'est la vie, the cruelty of life.

But I'd made progress. I'd met with teachers and spoke to them honestly, which is a tremendous leap for me since I've always held up a barrier between me and the faculty, because I've always doubted whether they did have my best interests at heart. But they did, they do. My mom always says "teachers are the nicest creatures" but I only snorted at this statement.

On Thursday I made another leap. I stepped in for Sarah and Raf at the SUCI meeting and spoke in front of a crowd without feeling nervous, and note, dear readers, that hitherto I've been diseased with crippling stage fright. What crossed my mind was that these are my brothers and sisters in Islam, I shouldn't be afraid of them. Surely they were here for the reason of wanting to build a muslim community in sunway, and being paranoid and speaking hesitantly would not reassure them of SUCI's objectives. I thought I handled the meeting all right, though I did voice out my confusion as our ice-breaking activities were suspiciously short what with all the boys managing to guess the charades stint in nanoseconds =S But everyone seemed to be okay. I sure hope the members would participate with warmth on our future activities.

But back to the tiny virus problem, its appearance threatened the shaky foundation of my confidence. I had woken up on Friday feeling a surge of carpe diem bravado and felt ready to take on my oral presentation by its head, but then this happened.

My face crumpled, my insides folded in on themselves. I looked at Raimi.

Thank you. Higher forces up there, thank you, for this one stable thing who is a constant in my life.

Pineapplehead is my calm.

I went up to my hostel straight after math, took my backup copy from Biya's laptop (mine is kind of in critical condition, I've yet to rush it into the ER) and went to print moi transparencies at the shop in front of Rock cafe. Raimi's absence made me revert into my she-man self and I walked with unmistakably masculine posture and glared at every testosterone-fueled dick on two legs who gave me so much as a once-over. There was this one dude who glanced at me appreciatively (three times, nonetheless, THREE) as I crossed the road to the printing shop and boy did I get the irresistible urge to fling my shoe at the general direction of his fugly face. Yeahuh, I was alone, but I could kick you arse any day you lowly piece of workshop junk.

I bought chicken lice (hur hur, rice) for Fara and I, and went up to the hostel. Fara caught the virus on her thumbdrive as well. What rotten luck. But at least I had friend in the same situation. Slick with disgusting sweat, I took off my kurung and changed into a kampung-housewife worthy kain batik. From there I proceeded to fill the whole apartment with my blaring voice and Biya came out to discover me half-dressed and spouting self-righteously about the rights of Indigenous People.

I went down, met my Ami, and we went for English. I saw Gorata and asked her how to pronounce 'San people' because they were from her country. Gorata's accent is positively delightful, by the way. And she told me how to pronounce San correctly, bless her.

Raimi was first. I was practically burning a hole in my seat with my constant fidgeting.

And then it was my turn.

I was so nervous I could have ran out of the room. But then it all came back to me.

Why I chose this topic.

Sofiyah's words: Talk about the Penans!

And after my research, realising how unfortunate Indigenous People are, being oppressed and not being able to put a proper fight because they lack education. Everything being taken away from them, their food source, their homes, their bonds with nature, even their children got sent to faraway boarding schools so that their culture would come to an abrupt dead end.

It came to me, I wasn't going to do this for myself, even though I'm at a disadvantage with my marks being cut my not meeting the soft copy deadline. I was doing this to spread some awareness, to tap into that last shred of humanity that exists somewhere inside of each of us. I didn't want to leave that classroom feeling regretful; that after the effort I put in to shed light onto the plight of these poor people, cowardice would render me mute and all that research would have been for nothing.

And so I spoke. My voice was shaky at times, but the resolve behind it was steel.

It sort of sparked debate, my topic. Topo asked where I got my details about the San People, and I told her of IFG map. The San people were given a choice whether to accept development, but only after going to court. That was my argument, that Indigenous People were taken advantage of, unless they've spirit enough to fight, and the fight is never easy.

Also, apparently in Botswana, De Beers split the diamond profit 50-50 with the community. But I said I suspected it isn't like that for all the countries and tribes.

Esmonde said something and the whole class went into uproar *__* However the chatter diffused as this next thing happened:-

My lecturer said something along the lines of "Don't you all think she put this together very well"

and everyone nodded.

The breath I'd been holding in for my ten-minute presentation was exhaled with relief. I went back to my seat and listened to Jacqueline and Melanie give their talk, feeling humbled that my oral went all right.

The best thing was when after class, Mosadi, Yame, and Caroline came over to tell me I did good for my oral.

That was two days ago. I'm still smiling =)

The Beginning

2009-03-12T23:11:00.000+08:00

She'd thought there was something wrong when she started waking up every single day, at 3am, with sweat matted in her hair and salt water dripping from the corners of her eyes and into her parted lips. It was the beginning, the nightmares.

It foretold the incoming troubles soon to plague her every move, landslides and avalanches hitting her frail back and pushing her down into the muddy grounds and smearing her face with brown earth.

And yet she did nothing to stop this, to even lessen her future problems. She just let them come one by one, stand beside her, piling up into the huge, monstrous mountain which will come down upon her, very very soon.

Gravitational Side Effects

2009-03-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

Gingerly, ever so tentative, I placed a foot onto the little square platform. Courage overtook me and I placed another foot on it, letting gravity do its thing and watched as the scale begin to tip towards the right, going to ten, twenty, thirty, crossing over to fourty, and finally reaching fifty but the little round cardboard piece with all the deceivingly tiny numbers was twirling so fast that I just knew it didn't plan on stopping there, the evil bugger.

Oooh, it stopped!

At the magic number of 55. I could feel the weighing machine vibrate with chuckles at my indignant disbelief.

Sh*t.

I'd gained 3 kg.

First

2009-01-28T19:49:00.000+08:00

Why hello